Buttercup says goodbye...

Hi everyone who has been reading and following this blog,

This blog has been active for slightly more than 2 years. Writing is something I have enjoyed for ever. But I think, now it is time for the writing machine to stop writing. I'm not saying that I will never write again...I'm saying that I'm taking a break (I have come to hate that word lately, but what to do, it is very handy).  I know for a fact that I have hurt atleast one person by writing this blog...I apologise for that... The two things about me which are deemed offensive and rude ( and you have to believe when I say so myself) are what I speak and what I write. Since I can't very well cut off my tongue, I am trying to do the next best thing by quitting writing. I might show up here and there as a comment in one of your blogs, or some blog that you follow...Please consider it my way of saying Hi and that  I'm alive and well... Thank you for your comments, encouragements etc. You guys kept me going for 2 years.

Until we meet again.... Adios Amigos, Au revoir, Goodbye.... Live long and Prosper...

I had a dream...

I had a dream...
To walk on the clouds
To breathe in the wind
To sleep amongst the stars...
To play with the moon...

I had a dream...
To grow up one day and be perfect
To have something I'm afraid to lose
To be someone to look up to
To be grand, to be special...

I woke up one day and realised
That dreams are not all they're made out to be...
That you almost never get what you dream about
That you never ever get what you wish for
That you'll never ever  be the one you want to be...
And that you'll be who you'd never have wished to be...

Life is not fair...but who said it'll be...right....

My friends and I went to watch the musical "The Phantom of the Opera" at Her Majesty's theatre at Haymarket,London. We were a bit apprehensive about the cost of the tickets at first, BUT...it was totally worth it...and More.... :D

It is about this guy with a mask who teaches a so-called extra dancer of a French Opera House,Christine Daee to sing so well so as to make her the lead singer and all  just because he fell in love with her. She also harbours amorous feelings towards him, well, atleast until she sees his disfigured face. The real twist in the tale comes with the appearance of Christine's childhood sweetheart,raoul, the Vicomte de Chagny ( who , according to Cuttu, is almost definitely a PISCEAN, because he is ready to fight all odds and ends to be with his love. I disagree...LOL).

Then its the regular story, the phantom warns Raoul to stay away from Christine or else something horrible will happen. he hangs the curtain puller from his own rod when Raoul disobeys. Then he practically kidnaps Christine and takes her away to his abode across the river and tries to marry her et al. And finally she kisses him ( as he was trying to execute Raoul ) and he gets all teary and lets the lovers go their way...So its the regular story, of a journey from obsession to love..for a change the hero/villain/anti-hero doesn't die in the end...

The beauty of the musical lies in the hands of the brilliant actors, the amazing stage settings, choreogra[phy etc and ofcourse, the awesome awesome music. I never thought I'll get to hear whistles from the crowd over here lol lol.

I saw the movie afterwards. The story, music all the same. Gerrard Butler is perfect for the role because he is so horribly bad looking but still has some charm about him...

It was an overwhelming experience...You really feel something at the plight of the phantom who falls in love with someone unattainable (don't we all, really). Our seats weren't that great, because, obviously we had to go for a cheaper option (that too 20 pounds), being poor students (lol). The really great seats were something like 89 pounds or so. Even though not so much, Cuttu and I have decided to spend perhaps 10 pounds more and get better seats for the sequel, "Love Never Dies" playing at the Strand, probably after I come back from home at the end of September.

Meanwhile... Dissertation :O :(

Hey sleep, why'd you come so late...
I've been waiting for so long...
My poor ole' brain
Is tired and sick...
I just want to escape
To the land of dreams...

In my dreams,
I can see stars again,
I can fly with the wind,
Swim in the clouds
And be at peace with myself again...

As I lie here, thinking of sleep
And the blissful hours to come...
I'm disturbed by the realization
That, inevitably, I have to wake up again...
I have to face life again...
I have to stand up and be me again...

As my conscious plunges
As my eyelids flutter
I wish for a moment...
That I didn't have to wake up again...
That I could just sleep on and on...
Forever and ever....

From me....to you....

I thought you were mine...maybe I was wrong...Maybe I had no right to think that you were...I don't know...my mistake...

I have never been insecure about anything ever in my life...But I AM  about you...I don't understand it either...I'm still trying to come to terms with it...It's not easy, to realise that probably you care much much more about someone than that person does about you...Don't misunderstand me though... I'm not saying that you don't care, just that I don't feel it...and I'm also not saying that I never felt it...There used to be a time, when I did...I miss that time...and I miss you..as you were...

I feel that I'm not what you want anymore...I feel that you have gotten bored of me, of us...and wants out...But if you are, why are you not telling me??? As far as I'm concerned, it is all about you...till you love me, I'll be there nagging you to hell, but the moment you get tired of me...I wouldn't bother you anymore...

I don't enjoy being taken for granted...actually it is a first for me..I'm still coming to terms with the fact that someone actually  can, and does take me for granted... and the thing that bugs me is that, I'm not fucking doing anything about it...I'm just letting you do that...again and again...I'm scared that if I confront you, I will lose what we have left...It might not make a difference to you...but it does, to me...enormously...But I don't want you to stay with e because you are compelled to either, I want you to be with me, because you want to...only if you want to be... Else, just tell me...I'll understand...

I don't know why I'm writing this...you probably won't even read it... I'm left here wondering exactly when it was that I was reduced to crying over a boy who probably doesn't even care.....

He came, he saw, he conquered....I didn't feel a thing....

Well, that is not entirely true. The first emotion I remember feeling was wonder. He looked, well, human. No halo, no horn, nothing.  Actually I thought he looked a bit like one of my mother's distant cousins...

This was our conversation.

He: "Time to go"

...

 just three simple words. Well, that was fast...is it time already...???

I: "Okay. Who the hell are you....and where exactly are we going?"

He: "To the other side, the white light...whatever...of that wall you see at a distance. "

I "Okay, I'm not completely stupid, you know. I know as much. What is it, as in, heaven or hell or..."

He: "It is just a place. You make your own heaven or hell here on Earth, as you live. You can hold my hand if you are scared". He held out his hand.

I:"No, I don't hold hands."

He:"Oh, I thought you liked to. Is it because he wouldn't hold your hand?"

I:"That, my dear...who did you say you where???"

He:" I didn't actually..since you ask... I'm a helper..I'm supposed to assist with your transition to the other side." 

Well, you aren't doing a great job of it...

I:"As I was saying, that is none of your business, my dear 'helper'. Is this going to be a long journey?"

He: "Depends on your perception. For the mind that wanders it wouldn't be. For the mind that stays, it is."

I:"Okay, then I'm asking for a new helper. You are boring me with all this obscure talks."

He:"Your luck has obviously run out. I'm the only one available. You chose a very inconvenient time to die."

Oh well, what else is new...I'm always wrong...always have been, always will be. Even my timing is bad. couldn't even die at a good time...There's something so pathetic about it.....

I:" Okay...then why are we wasting time...Let's move our asses "...

He:" You sure you don't want to hold my hand?"

I:"Does it hurt to cross to the...well...the other side...?"

He: "Not it doesn't. It is the transition of the soul. No feelings of your body remain."

Well, there he goes..again...

I:"In that case..no..thank you very much. One last question..."

He:"Yes. But fast, because I have work elsewhere...you are not the only person with bad timing..you know.."

Well, that's a relief.

I:"What about..well...my body...will it just rot there?"

He rolled his eyes, wow, I didn't know that other worldly beings also did that.

He:" It is just like you to worry about such things. Yes it will. It is just a vehicle. You are much more than that. Although you don't realise.."

Okay,  I'm shallow...So what's new...

He:" Can we go now, if your questions are over?"

I:" Okay..."

I am a bit scared, apprehensive, more the like. First experience..right. I can feel rather than see the light beyond. It is blinding, but not uncomfortably so. It is more like gravity. It is holding me, rather than me advancing towards it...

I grabbed his hand after all...I saw his lips crinkle in a knowing smile...(I'm a coward...big deal)...and began my journey toward THE LIGHT. It didn't feel like the end of life... rather, like the beginning of something even bigger and better...hmm...here's a thought, I might even enjoy afterlife :)

Disclaimer:-

I’m the sort of person who wishes that people (both male and female) came with self help manuals. I’m very bad at understanding and dealing with people. Basically, I’m not really fond of people as a species. I feel awkward in public (sometimes even among friends) and am not generally comfortable with any sort of social situation. I have almost nil life experience and am not at all qualified to offer advice to anyone (although it is sometimes expected of me). And what I’m going to write is not advice. These are just plain, simple facts coined entirely from my experience and observations. It is dedicated to two very special people, my best friend Cuttu (you will perhaps see her comments) and my cousin Anu (Sorry for the lack of warning guys). And it is primarily aimed at my guy friends ( yes sweetheart, you are also included).

[Good God, look at the size of the disclaimer, this is likely to be an ongoing series :O Don’t go away already guys, I’ll try my best to keep it short].

Okay, so here goes…

Girls like being complemented, whether they deserve it or not. We don’t expect you to keep saying how pretty we are or how beautiful we are all the time, but we do like to hear it now and then. We pretend that we don’t like to be called hot or sexy, but actually, we do. And when you don’t like something we wear or do, please…please tell us that, don’t make faces, or make fun of it, we feel demoralized and sad. The same  happens if you don’t notice that we have done something with our appearance FOR YOU. And “okay”  is not the same as “good” or “nice”. When a girl is looking her worst, she always knows it. So you can actually tell her that she is looking horrible.When she says that she is looking horrible, she is NOT fishing for compliments.  Even Aishwarya Rai lookalikes have their moments of doubt, so do I need to mention about lesser beings like me…

We love it when you call us or text us. We don't mind calling or texting or buzzing you first. It's just that we don't like doing that all the time. We feel unwanted. And we want you to talk to us, rather than think that we will not understand. And it is true that we don't understand things unless told. Feminine sixth sense is an urban myth. And even though we tend to talk, we don't disclose everything even to our closest friends. And that includes some facts about you, not because we are ashamed of what you are, but because we don't want even our best friends to think anything negative about you.

It is a common conception that girls are nagging and obsessive (I am consciously not using misconception, because that is a special talent of mine too). But as hard as it might be to believe, we like to avoid ugly confrontations too. Therefore we might sometimes be silent or not disagree with something you say, but that doesn’t mean that  we agree with it. (I might colour my hair blonde, but  that doesn’t make me a bimbo..savvy?) And we obsess in the first place, only  because we care, we don’t do that to every guy in the street, we irritate you because you are SPECIAL.

A girl often takes a long time to say “ I Love You”. It is not because she doesn’t want to, but because she wants to mean it when she says it.  And she is always worried that when she says that she misses you, you might laugh at her or think that she is being silly. No self-respecting girl will ever make out with or sleep with a guy she does not love. Her doing that has nothing to do with what a stud you are (Well, ofcourse you could be, only that is not her criteria), it has completely to do with how she feels about you.

We don’t tell you many things, many,many things, simply because we are worried that you might make fun of us or something which might actually be important and so beyond funny to us. While we enjoy humor, we don’t appreciate it being at the cost of a serious matter or our family members (whether it be our age old grandfather or crackpot cousin. We might let it go sometimes, but not always).

We don’t expect you to remember every month anniversaries or stupid events like first touch day etc, because we know that you don’t do things like that (In my case, because I don’t care much for them). But sometimes it is nice to be wished at odd things like this, it makes us feel cherished.( And we pretend that we don’t remember such dates, but we actually do, sometimes we feel so bad that you don’t remember these things, so we don’t remind you).  And surprises…WE LOVE SURPRISES…And I’m not talking about grand gestures, a surprise visit, a love message, a little card…that sort of thing. And please don’t ever forget our birthday,  that will break our heart.

This might come as a surprise to many, but girls think, about many things other than make up and the clothes en mode. Even the most cynical girls think  about marriage and kids and long term stuff like that (and this, just after they ’ve started going out. When in love…well…do I even need to say???) Even the coolest of girls worry about how serious her guy is about her. Yes, we are such dreamy creatures who ultimately want to settle down and raise a family, no matter how career-oriented or ambitious we are.  And no, we do not appreciate you flirting with other girls. Drooling, we might tolerate, but in- our- face flirting...no, no and NO. You might say, "so what, you go flirt with other guys, we don’t care”. But the fact is, we don’t want to. And we want you to care. And please don’t insult our intelligence by lying to us. We almost always know when you lie. But we let it go, because we feel sad that you don’t trust us enough to tell us the truth.

Okay, I guess this much gyaan is enough for the moment. I’m definitely getting tired writing, so I can imagine your condition reading. I’ll sign off saying that, I’m not justifying things that girls do through this post. We are far from being perfect. I for one, give my wonderful boyfriend pretty tough times through my very many faults. These are just some common facts which is true about almost every girl. If it facilitates anyone’s understanding their girlfriend better, I’ll be very glad.

I was soooooo excited to go home after a long year. Now I am as strongly repelled at the thought of it. No, I'm scared to go home now...I am 21, I've just completed Masters and suddenly, I'm marriage material...WTF????

Well it is not so sudden, if I'm fair to myself...This kind of thinking has been doing rounds in my family (not my Dad, Mom or Grandfather, the only people I are about,thankfully), to be exact, right after I turned 20 x-( My dad has been holding fortress for long...I guess he doesn't know about the most recent development...That is ok really, am gonna phone him rightaway and inform x-(

The matter is, my aunt just mailed me a guy's picture, his details etc etc...telling me that he'll call, go meet him blah blah blah...and ofcourse, how nice a guy he is, how much he earns, oh ya, and he works here in London.....Bloody what the hell is your problem, when I want to get married I'll tell you, then you do this sort of stuff, that is, if I ask you TO x-( That's what I've told at home, I'll do my PhD aaram se, work for a couple of years, if I haven't found a guy still,  THEN you look for one x-( and they are fine with it...what the hell is everybody else's problem???

I mean my Mom does tell me, you know, that someone asked at a marriage if they should come to our place next, or that someone random asked my Grandfather whether they should start looking for a guy for me and all that... what I don't understand is that, MY folks don't have this obsession of getting me married, why are you so obsessed ??? My 74 year old grandfather ( and I hope he lives a lot more years) says that they shouldn't  even start  looking until am like 25 or so and these people with narrow thinking are not even as old x-(

Before I was only contemplating coming back here after maybe 2-3 weeks at home...Now, I'm definitely coming back. I so don't want to stay among these weird,stuffy,narrow minded people one day more than I need to... I guess that's what my Mom keeps telling me indirectly...don't stay here more than a certain time...this is what happens...gggrrrrr....Oh...to be 10 again and worry only about the next day's homework... :'(

I miss Mummy (my Mom's Mom) every single day. But in these instances I miss her even more. She is the only person who could put such people straight. She'll tell people outright to mind their own businesses..and the funny thing is, nobody ever minded her slighting them...or found the courage to stand up to her...(Something about people with small stature being more aggressive, doesn't hold for my Mom...maybe for me, but then I'm not that small, well, I dunno,depends on people's perception I guess...lol...anyways...)...The thing is, her small size not withstanding, I always felt protected when she was around..I was her first grandchild and her favourite...She practically raised me, when my parents were away Globetrotting...and I was more attached to her than I was to anyone ever...It was her 6th Death anniversary some days back...It has been 6 years...and I still miss her so much...:( And I know she is watching over me, wherever she is...

Warning: This is going to be a really bitchy post... I'm pissed at someone and I just want some place to vent it :) Please bear with me.

The person in question is my ex. We are now trying to be friends, which just means that we are trying to be civil to each other. Okay, here goes...

Please note- the 'you' is him.

I mean, I know I broke up with you. But that didn't make me especially happy at the time, you know. But then, I've put all the negativity behind and am trying to be nice to you, then you act like the jackass that you are. When you have a problem with me posting something on your facebook wall or something, you can just tell me outright, you don't have to put obscure statuses to try to make me feel guilty. What am I supposed to say, that I'm sorry you are such an asshole??? Let's not forget that YOU are the one who did the unforgivable  wretched thing of tainting by dead best friend's memory by making stories about him x-(. And when I try to forgive all that and try to be civil with you, you do all sorts of nonsense like telling my friends stories about how I mistreated you and all that (none of which ever happened). it is not very entertaining hearing stories about yourself, which you didn't even know existed, from someone who didn't even know that you were going around with this guy. I understand that people are often spiteful after a breakup. But I didn't do anything for you to be spiteful. It is NOT my fault that we were NOT compatible, and it definitely is not my fault that you are a waste of space. So it soooo not fair that I'm the one who is punished.  Pull yourself together dude, get a grip, get a life...whatever....

Whooaaa...so nice to get that out of my system :D

P.S.Technically I'm not bitching behind his back as this post is going to his email as well ;) Cheers !!!

I love you...

I love you....

It is often very difficult for me to say these words. But it doesn't mean that I love you any less. I love you as much as any human being could love another. I love you so much that it causes me real physical pain to be away from you. My tone might be blunt. I might not be very vocal either. But I love you with a desperation that scares me to death.

I have many flaws. I never have been perfect, and never will be. I don't want you to be with me, just because you are. I want you to be with me because you want to be. 

I know love is not to be bartered. Therefore I don't expect you to love me the way I do. I fear much...hope much...dream much...get hurt much...I only want to know if you'll be there to pick up the pieces when I get my spirit broken...again.

It is almost time to go back home, to be exact just 10 weeks more.....For whatever reason, the question that echoes in my mind is what would my life be like if I hadn't come to London for masters... At a glance the answer seems to be simple to me... If I hadn't come to London, I'd have completed the first year of Masters in Physics at some university in India. On the plus side, I'd have been closer to home, would probably be with some or the other of my close friends...be in a more familiar setting. On the other hand, I wouldn't have met a lot of truly wonderful people if I hadn't come to London, people who actually made being away from home easier, more bearable.

It was my choice to come here for post graduation,exactly like it was my choice to take a science graduation while everyone around me was choosing engineering or medicine, and it was my choice to go to Pune to pursue it, in a state whose customs,culture and even language was alien. These are just some very superficial examples. There are many things I have regretted in the past, and I still do. But looking back, I see that they were all really results of some choices I made. I have ended up hurting people and I regret that. But sometimes that was inevitable to something very vital to me. That sounds downright selfish, even to me. But that is what I did. I feel that what I did was what I had to do, because life is all about choices.

That is not some notion I have coined up myself. That is a piece of idle talk from one of my cousins which has stuck to my mind all these years. That itself is quite surprising because we don't really see eye to eye in most things. I remember this bit, probably because his own life is an illustration of how anyone's life can take a wholly new path owing to certain choices.

My uncle is a business man with five sons. The one in question (let us call him A) is the second. It was always expected that the first two of his sons would succeed my uncle in business, work with him like his two hands etc. It was expected that A will do some graduation, do an MBA and then join the family business like his elder brother did. That was the first notion (in my memory) that he refuted. He chose software engineering, which was fine with everyone, because he was just doing a graduation. Then he got placed in a very reputed firm and he chose to take it. All hell broke loose at home. My uncle was furious. It was unacceptable to him that a son of his wouldn't submit to his will like he did to his father and his eldest son did to him. No number of yellings or reasonings or pleadings had any effect on A. Uncle had to give up eventually. Then, after three years, in an unexpected twist, he quit his job and came into family business. Everyone was happy that the black sheep finally came into his senses and returned to the flock where he belonged. He was there for almost five years, did any number of things with it, started a few establishments of his own (when in his rebel mode), then merged it with his dad's company....so many things like that. Then last year, all of a sudden, he announced that he is going to some Godforsaken corner of Africa to volunteer with the UN peace corps. Everyone was flabbergasted. Even his mental balance was doubted. My uncle raved, auntie shed tears. But being A, he stuck with his choice. And he went to Africa. All through last year he was posted in various corners of Africa, undergoing training, teaching village children, setting up medical camps and so on. He returned to India in January this year when his big brother had a nearly fatal car accident and is planning to go back now that he is more or less fine.

The A I knew growing up was a restless guy , who flitted from thing to thing like a butterfly. He never even stood still for an amount of time, always shifting and all that. Restlessness was something I always associated with A. Even though he was never really mean to anyone, he gave out that aura, the aura of a mean, rich,spoilt brat, which he was, in many ways.Volunteering for world peace is so not something I would associate with that guy. But now I feel as if that A no longer exists. That wiry boy who was forever shifting his weight and fidgeting has transformed into a kind,compassionate,understanding man. And finally, after what seems to be an eternity, he seems to be really happy, content with where he is, what he is doing. I truly believe that A has found his calling in life.

He was never my best friend. In fact I'm not sure I even like him sometimes. Inspite of all our fights, misunderstandings, a thousand arguments...A has earned my respect forever with that one choice he made. Although the nobility of the cause is to be applauded, I admire him more for following his heart, going through hell and back (which I'm sure he must've felt it is, compared to his style of living back home) to keep up with his life choices. His transformation has actually led me to believe that it is all about the choices we make in life...that these choices make us who and what we are.

I didn't sleep a wink yesterday night. So I decided to keep the sleepless marathon on for a whole day so that I can get back to the normal human schedule of day and night. Utilizing all the extra time at hand, I decided to go for a long walk. It was quite nice. It isn't often that I see this part of the day. Oh yes, I'm the kind that can outsleep Rip Van Vinkle ;).

Well, I got to see traffic free (well, atleast for the most part) London streets, janitors clearing the mess on the street, joggers on the canal side (well, they are there at all times, a constant on the London scenery)...I even found a new path to walk by which sort of comes in a full circle if I set out from my Halls of Residence.

I am happy in a weird kind of way today. I've been having problems on the relationship front. I think we have sort of broken up now. But then, I did something totally uncharacteristic of myself. I decided to grow up. I have been thinking, and thinking, and thinking and all of a sudden my eyes opened to the fact that people don't always have to bend over backwards to accomodate my every wish,fulfill my every need. That is what I'm used to, that is the way it has been till now. My family, cousins,friends, ex-boyfriends (well, they have , for most part been quite scared of me, God knows why)...I guess the collective attention of all these people has more or less spoilt me. I'm no princess, so I shouldn't expect to be treated as such. It just is not fair...

So I have made a conscious decision to work on myself in general and the relationship in particular. I am being an adult here ( Well, am still not forgetting it was his fault we fought in the first place) and let the differences rest. I don't care if it doesn't work, but I wouldn't have the regret that I didn't try. I simply wouldn't have failed relationship number 3 without even trying to make it work. :) So...I'm feeling good...Whether it works or not...Well...

I don't consider myself very attached or sentimental or things like that to people and things etc. But there is one place to which I am very attached to, that place is my home. When I'm away, I don't especially miss my parents or relatives, rather I miss the familiar surroundings that spell home.

I have an almost fixed routine when I'm at home. I get up by 7-715, a while after both mom and dad have given up trying to wake me. After brushing and such, I go down to the kitchen and sit on the cooking range,sipping coffee and talking to my mom as she is cooking. Then I sort hang around, going out into the porch,reading paper, watching tv etc, waiting for it to be 8 when my dad,mom and grandfather comes down to breakfast. Then after breakfast everyone leaves for their respective occupations,leaving me at home. I have nothing in particular to do the whole day..so Ido what I'm best at, laze around, watch tv,browse the net, read, sleep etc till 1 till my grandfather comes to have lunch. Then we have lunch together, he goes out again and I try to sleep till 3. That is when the maid comes in. I let her in, make tea for both of us by 4, watch TV till my grandfather returns at 530, followed closely by my dad. Then I make tea for both of them and watch TV till my mom returns by 715.( Oh yeah, there is a ritual of lighting the lamp in the prayer room..about 630). After my mom comes, I make her something to snack and then follow her around while she heats up food and makes some dish for dinner etc. Dinner is served at 830. And everyone,except me is in bed by 10.

This is how a normal day passes by at my home. Everything is so bound by time. That is how my Grandmother set it. And that is what we still follow,even though she is no longer with us.

I miss all that. I miss that routine, of lazing around and doing odd chores...I even miss my nosy and weird neighbours whom I don't even like...I guess you never get used to being away from home, no matter how much you love having your own space,no matter how long you have stayed away from home...you always miss it, no matter how grown up you become...I realise that my home is the only place I've been truly happy...It is my haven where I'm safe from the whole world... Home is the only place where you are always wanted,the place where you always have your place,your room, your special seat...It is the only place you are ever truly at HOME.

I have never felt so alone in my whole life, physically and emotionally. There isn't even anyone on the streets...It feels as if I'm the last person left in the world...

I'd promised myself, that I'll never blog about you any more. I'd decided that I'll put you to rest once and for all. But now I understand that it is a lost cause. You are there in all my thoughts, dreams, memories. I remember you with every breath I take. There was that moment when you were being buried when I tried to visualise the vast life ahead of me, without you. And there is today, when that unpleasant future has become my present.

I've never been able to talk about how I feel about anything to anyone. I used to think that feeling lonely or sad is a sign of weakness. And crying, crying was totally out of question. I thought it was safer to make a shell of cynicism around me and hide in it. It worked with everyone, but you. You peeled away my shell layer by layer and saw me,loved me, respected me, for what and who I really am.

I believe that the biggest tragedy of existence is not being able to express your feelings. That was a particular wall I never came across with you. And that was the best thing about you, I could talk to you, talk to you as I never could with anyone else. We never ran out of topics. And I knew that you understood each and every word, every emotion I embedded in them for what it was, even though we were vastly different.

Ours was the best,purest possible relation, based on mutual love and respect. You were my perfect "other". You were all I could ever wish for, and more. The limited time we had together makes for the happiest memories of my life, which I shall cherish for the rest of my life.

You were always there for me, through every trivial problem, always dependable, always,always there for me. You were my Rock, my PERSON...I feel your absence very dearly now...I wish there was a way you could come back...

My soul mate, my love, my life...I love you and I always will... I miss you more than ever...

Bad bad bad hangover :(((

No no, No no, not from drinks, but from sleep :o . I was having a problem from the lack of it recently and today...it's just the opposite. I Love my life x-(...

I've done nothing productive today. I woke up sort of 8.30 ish to the sounds of my boyfriend leaving. After the byes and stuff, I went to sleep AGAIN and woke up at 3 pm... That's like 12 hours.... My own record... ;) And now I'm miserable. I have a bad headache, cold (which was there anyway), and the eternal feeling of LETHARGY. I've been contemplating a walk since 5.... it's 7.30 and I'm still not feeling up to it...I thought a shower would cure it...but it didn't :(

Just one more exam to go....and then, I'm freeeeee.... Yesterday's was a bitch...I just hope I'll pass(fingers crossed).

I'm just watching sex and the city (the series) AGAIN. I just love it. I'm somewhere in the 4th season now. Oh by the way, I saw the movie, Sex and the city 2...which turned out to be slightly disappointing. I wouldn't say it is downright bad, but I wouldn't swear by it as I do with the first movie and the series. Everyone is looking horrible, horrible clothing and it is a bit dragging. Prince of Persia on the other hand was absolutely amazing. I had my doubts about Jake Gyllenhal, but he turned out to be perfect for the part. I can't say the same about Gemma Atherton, she doesn't look the part of the most beautiful woman in the world..but that's okay, she can act.

Okay that's all... I'm climbing into my cocoon of lethargy yet again...

I'm up very early today. It's just turning 5 in the morning. Morning does come very early these days. It is already lighting up. The cold air pouring in belies the summer month. The first of June...brings home happy memories of this very day just a year before ( Well, June 1st has been a rather special day for years now. To someone I love, it was a day of painful memories, and indirectly, because of the same reason, it has been a favourite of mine. Life definitely is full of ironies). I was happy then, I'm happy now. Life has come a full circle,in just one year.

I have been having trouble sleeping for a few days. I have no idea why. It's been taking a bit of a toll on my health. All the weakness and dizziness I've come to associate with my anaemia meds have become something of a constant for a few days. But all that aside, I'm sort of quietly happy today. A sort of resolute peace has settled in my mind.

All the sleeplessness has left too much time on my hand. So my room is unconventionally clean now. And I changed the alignment of my bed and the writing table, in an attempt to bring some light into the room. It seems to have worked. I like it better this way. Except for a slight change, this was how I found this room when I came here. I moved the furniture about somewhat when I got bored. Now I realise with a pleasant jolt that I liked it better the way it was before. As they say, nothing like change to point you in the right direction.

Everyone is starting to go about their daily businesses after the long bank holiday weekend. I plan to give myself some more time to reminisce and then am going to immerse myself in studies. Two more exams to go, and then I' free... at least for a while.

I don't believe in jinxes and that sort of stuff, never have, don't think ever will. I have always thought that stuff like talking too much and too early about things, being too happy about things actually rob you off them...etc too old house-wifey talk, just coined up by people who have nothing better to do with their lives.

This is not the first time it has happened to me. In fact,this has always happened to me, as long as I can remember. Whenever I am happy, as in really really happy (whether or not without for a reason), something or the other always happens to put me off. Well, part of it must be my own fault, since I do take offense at small things (if it is by special people only... anyway). What hurts the most is when you realise that the other person doesn't even care about the fact that you are feeling so miserable. So, the bottomline is, I end up feeling sad and mad and stupid and silly, which I very well might be...still.

I am a fool in love. When I'm in a relationship, I want the full attention of that person. I CANNOT and WILLNOT settle for cursory glances and doing something else while talking to me etc.I am the first one to advocate that being with someone doesn't mean you don't have time for your friends. But hey, it doesnot mean that you have time ONLY for your friends.I mean, I'm a part of your life too, treat me as such...not like some place you go to when you have nothing better to do... I'm not big on endearments either, I'd rather that person didn't call me "darling" or "sweetheart" twenty times in an hour. But I DEMAND full attention. If you'd rather be some place else than be with me or talking to me, then be there, just don't keep me hanging. I've never done that. When I don't like someone who's been hitting on me, I always say "sorry" and look the other way. Then why the hell is this happening to me?

I've never been ignored EVER by anyone I specially care about (others can go to hell ). Attention has never been something I've ever asked for...but I've never lacked it either...Sometimes it has been unwanted,but I've always had it...from my friends,family,old boyfriends...everyone I've come into contact with basically...So this want for it is something new...and I'm hating it.

I've always been told, and I know this myself...You can't have everything...no one can... still I want everything...That is EXACTLY why I call myself stupid...

I don't know who this poem is by, a friend sent it to me and I wanted to share it. It's beautiful...

Over mountains, over trees
Over oceans, over seas
Across the deserts
I'll be there

In a whisper on the wind
On the smile of a new friend
Just think of me
And I'll be there

Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight to be with you
'Cause I'm on your side, and I still care
I may have died, but I've gone nowhere

Just think of me, and I'll be there

On the edge of a waking dream
Over rivers, over streams
Through wind and rain
I'll be there

Across the wide and open sky
Thousands of miles I'd fly
To be with you
I'll be there

An appeal to everyone: please ignore my previous post, I liked it, so don't want to delete it...but it no longer holds valid. I guess it was wishful thinking at the least and wild hallucination at the most...I guess most of us have been there, done that... Wanting to believe something which really isn't true...So please just dismiss it as the foolishness of a 21 year old...

I'm good at handing out advice to one and all..I think it is time I took my own advice and stay away from inter gender socialization...It is too damn painful to be taken lightly...

When you feel hurt, you need to remember that it is you who is hurting yourself and nobody else. You are the only person who has the power to do that. You let your guard down when you do stupid things like loving someone, expecting something of someone. Then you put your heart into someone else's hands for them to do as they please. You lose control of your life,your emotions and you end up as a mess. That, is exactly what I don't need. That, is exactly what I'm not going to do anymore. This is me, taking back control of myself,my life...

Well, I'm not feeling much better after this rant. Still, I'll say this much more...I knew there was a reason I hated "people" as a species...

I'm in the sea of bliss,with

Happy thoughts floating around me

All anxieties,sadness and wistfulness

As far from me as possible.

I'm swimming about,

In the wonderful sea of love,

With my lover's arms around me

His being with me against all odds

His love glowing in my heart

Like an eternal candle...

I have all I could ever wish for...

Isn't this what dreams are made of???

I hate noise

I hate the sounds I hear

Crowding me out till

I can no longer

Hear the voices in my head.

They dwarf me out till

I no longer exist;

Till I hide in dark shadows

And try not to exist.

They scare me,

Disturb me,

Make me want to stop breathing

Just to stop hearing.

Hey, I am not completely dead. I haven't been blogging for a looong looong time because of my increasing paranoia of exams. Well, it sooo doesn't mean that I've been studying day and night, it just means that I've been refraining (or trying to refrain) from entertainment (of all sorts except daydreaming;) ). Even though my studies haven't been going all that good, I've been exhibiting a calm and cool exterior which "lies through the teeth"(well, just an expression) about my sweaty,clammy,interior where my blood pressure has, am sure, shot up to kingdom came ;).So I am back, to entertainment country... ;)

I saw this movie "It's a Wonderful Afterlife" by Gurinder Chaddha. It was such an awesome stressbuster.... It was funny,witty,corny.....to sum it up, totally worth it (Well, we'd gotten an offer ticket from Uni, so it just cost us a pound ;)). Superb entertainment capsuled in 100 minutes...

I'm just back from a revision lecture, waiting for the next one,which is due at 6:30, whiling away time,not studying like I should be doing and watching Sex and the city (again). I dunno why people didn't like it as much as the series, I absolutely LOVED it...Well, maybe because I had a group like that in school,who knew (and still knows) each other's secrets to the letter and keep them from all prying eyes forever ( my five greatest friends I miss BADLY). And so, here I am, watching it for the 100th time, and thinking about Carrie's fourth book idea for the 100th time... What happens when you have found your love???

Whenever I read a book, or see a movie, the part that troubles me the most is never the turbulent lives of the protagonists...it is always the "happily ever after". It has always been like that, I've always had trouble picturing that part, especially because no one ever went on to explain it. Even when you are a kid, all your bedtime stories end with the prince and the princess (or Mary and the lamb or whoever) living happily ever after. I've always been like, then what..?? What happens after they start their lives...do they fight,have kids, get a divorce????

Weird huh??? LOL

Whenever I'm in a relationship and everything is going all nice and cute and dreamy, and if something so much as start looking SERIOUS, these RED panic alarms go off in my head, making more noise than a fire truck in a traffic jam!!! I'm like "Oh MY God, What if 'this' goes wrong, what if 'that' happens, blah blah blah.... which ultimately results in me trying all I can to get out of it!!! Well, that has happened a couple of times... and I've dated only three guys so far...so..do the math!!!

I used to just classify myself as a committment-phobic and be done with it... But I think what I'm really worried about is that whether I will EVER get that happily-ever-after...whether I'll ever find THE RIGHT GUY...whether I'll EVER be so lucky......... As my friend says, "Honey, for that there needs to be a guy in the first place,and then comes everything else". Now, there IS a guy, my alarm bells are ALREADY ringing (and which I'm ignoring)..... I just want to take things as they come, one day at a time....even I might get LUCKY someday!!!

PS: I'm not looking for a Prince, for then I'll have to kiss a TOAD (or FROG or whatever) and personally, I don't fancy them much,even if they turn into the most delectable creatures ........LOL ;)

I see the rain through the windows...but it seems as if I'm watching it through a two-way mirror...it seems as if it is raining within me...

Grey clouds are moving up the horizon with the promise of more rain. I sit here and watch my sunny day turn into a premature night. This is not my kind of rain, it makes me depressed and pensive,unlike the beautiful ones back home.

I've been feeling quite restless lately. I've been wanting to talk to you badly. I've been resisting the urge to write about you for more than a month now...I just can't seem to be able to help myself. I just can't stop writing over and over again and again about you... I just CAN'T seem to emphasise the point enough that I still am as much in love with you as I ever was...

It doesn't seem fair, does it,for me (or anyone else for that matter), to lose someone so central to their life...But then life is not supposed to be fair right..!!! That's the whole beauty of life :-/...

You were my best friend, my guide, the person I wanted to tell everything first, the person whom I used to run to with all my problems, the person who knew me inside out, perhaps better than even I knew myself...the one person I was completely sure would never judge me on my many poor decisions or actions...You were my Knight in shining armour...You were all that, and more...You were the SUN around which my life could orbit forever and ever...

You are the only man who has ever had my heart..and it is yours to keep..in this lifetime and the billion others to come...Till we meet again...

I broke away from the crowd

To tread my paths alone,

To walk with steady steps

Towards that unknown goal I was seeking.

There was a fire in my head,

An all consuming fire,

That raged on and on

And would rage,on and on

Till I reached there, where I was going.

My legs took me places,

I walked on and on,on and on...

Till the end of the world..

I still wasn't happy,

For I hadn't found that

What I'd come for.

I walked into a meadow

Filled with yellow flowers

Which bloomed at my touch

And gave out a radiance

That surpassed all else.

They led me to a stream

Whose water bubbled a song,

That calmed my soul.

I peered into the water

To see myself staring back at me...

And all was well in the world again...

I resumed my walk

With a calm mind,

For I'd found

What I'd been seeking for long;

I'd found myself.....

There is something to be said about having a steaming cup of tea and staring out into the rain, being at leisure,being on your own.... It is an amazing feeling. As I listen to the rain pelting on the weird tin-tile roofing of my building, I experience a rare innate calm. It feels as if the cold air that brushes my face doesn't just do that,it freshens my mind,my spirit...the me inside me, making me take the plunge into self-reflection.

I think back to the girl I was a year ago, I feel a sense of detachment. I can remember her as if it were someone else. I remember her small joys,favourite things,places,people,her qualms,her fears,her idiocies,... I can critically analyse her way of life...It feels as if she and I are two very different people. I find her thoughts and talks silly, her fears baseless,I magnify her mistakes many fold in my mind...I'm not sure I even like her that much!!! Is this what is meant by growing up??

I have changed,a lot, I know I have. Not just my likes and dislikes, joys and fears, but my whole perspective of life, my whole way of looking at things has changed. It isn't something that happened overnight. It is something that happened over time, over a very very long year at the threshold of which time seems to have stood still...

I am surprised at what has changed in me.I think back to certain things,certain days,certain events, and it is with wonder that I realise that I lived through all that, that I have sailed through those turbulent waters slowly,but steadily and is still hopeful of finding a shore. I still cannot figure out where I found the courage to do that, but I am happy that I did. It is with wonder that I realise that I have matured, grown up and that I am capable of LIVING,for it is true, that death is easy, and living is hard, that it doesn't pain half as much to die, than it does, to live.

I agree totally with Arshi (from You are here,Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan), when she says "life fucks you up exactly when you think you have everything sorted out". I mean, why does it have to be like that all the time...why does something or the other always go wrong in our lives...why...why...???

Well, I don't deny that I do enjoy life as it is, and a tame life would be highly boring and unwelcome. But sometimes,atleast sometimes I would like to have a life without any surprises or hitches,you know,like normal, peaceful,contented life.

I am not in a weird mood and I have no idea why I'm going all philosophical right now. I guess studies has that effect on me. I have a whole month of examinations staring me in the face, starting from May 12th and going on till June 11th. Plus the dissertation worries. I hate programming, and the original work in my research paper is TOTALLY to do with it :(. This is another thing that happens to me, always, I repeat always, academically, I get stuck with the topic I hate the most in doing my projects and stuff like that. The same happened in my undergrad. I absolutely HATE optics, and my final year project was on optics...Talk about hard luck huh!!!

Which brings me back to my pet topic, the "I hate studies" one. I have been good at it all my life due to some glitch God planted in my brain, but I've always, always hated studying. Don't tell me that everyone does, because I HAVE met some really weird people who actually ENJOY studying,can you believe??? I've always needed some nagging to get started and then to go on and some more..lol.. So now, when I have absolute freedom to do as I wish, I am dutifully neglecting them and whiling away time doing nothing. I know that is nothing to be proud of and believe me, I've been trying to rectify it, by normalising my schedule and going off the internet etc etc, but not been having much luck with it,some habits do die hard,I guess...Any tips anyone???

Life was so simple when I was a child,

All I had to do was homework and classwork

And study a little,a couple of hours,

Then I had all the time to play and have fun.

I didn't have to worry about lying boyfriends,

I didn't have to worry about upsetting people,

I didn't have to worry about giving "wrong signals"

All I had to do, was go with the flow.

I miss those days,of sparkling innocence,

When a boy's smile didn't mean the world to me,

When the hardest decision was choosing some colour

When a thousand thoughts didn't haunt me like ghosts,

Forcing me to pick and choose and decide...and whatnot!!!

I miss those carefree days of joy,

When 'prick' still meant what a needle did to you,

Most of all, I miss being me,

I miss not having to please people all the time.

P.S I'm not even sure if this is a poem. Just some random thoughts which make absolutely no sense! ;)

As the sun shines,

As the wind chimes,

As the birds start chirping in joy,

I see my life,in a whole new light..

I see the onset of spring.

The day dawns bright

The night sails light

Nightmares mar my sleep no more;

I start loving life all the more.

Those cherished moments bygone,

I've kept them safe in my memory box,

To thumb through them in odd moments,

To relive those times,

In the spaces of my heart.

I shan't weep in despair

In the outset of those memoirs;

I shan't lose my mind

In the fall of darkness...

I shan't, I shan't....

For I've found myself once again;

For I've started living again.

It has been an awesome Holi this year... Holi in London!!!

We had a small scale celebration in the student housing, you know, just a few friends sort of thing. It was huuuge fun :). Some of our friends got up early and went to east London( the desi area basically) to get Gulaal. We were all to assemble in the Common Room and then start lol. One guy had even made water balloons and brought a large water bottle to stand in for a Pichkari !!!!! It was really really really niceeee!!!! Had lots of fun today, throwing gulaal and water and balloons and just running about lol ;).

Oh and did I mention, the moving in thing with my friends, that has fallen right through. Some misunderstandings and ego problems,issues like that. Incidentally I did face some problem with residential people with regard to that since they had already found me a replacement and then they had to find her a place as well etc etc etc... Well, All is well that ends well... So I am back in my room, well, atleast till the end of April when our contract ends.

Well, ya that's all. I need to read 6 papers for a discussion with my project guide tomorrow!!!! :( I am a lazy lazy creature who has been neglecting her work!!! LOL, so what else is new???!!!

It is 6 months today to the day you have been buried. 6 months!!!!! They have passed in the blink of an eye!! Suddenly it struck me today, that it has been 6 months... 6 months!!!!

Not a very easy half year, but I have survived. I know you'll be proud of me. Of course there have been some whining-crying times...but...utna to banta hai right???

I guess anybody who reads this blog must have gotten bored with me writing about you all the time. I don't know, I think of a new topic to write, and that is you, I think again and there you are again!! All of a sudden, my life is all about you (Well, I guess it always was, I just didn't realise it then).

People keep telling me, that I have to move on. I have to start thinking about new things,new people and stop thinking about you so much. But... how is that possible??? You have been the main presence in my life for atleast 6 years... and am just 21, so they have been my formative years right..How can I stop thinking about someone who was vital in my life in the most important years of my life??

But now it is not so bad,you know. I don't always get that feeling of absolute loss when I see your picture or think about you. I even talk to you sometimes, very normally. And I don't cry very easily when some random thought of yours comes to mind. I'm coping, aren't I?

But then all of a sudden, it strikes me that it has been only 6 months, a very difficult 6 months, in fact the horriblest 6 months I have known in my short life... and I have an eternity in front of me without you; a whole life,years and years..... I dunno, nothing was written in stone,but I sort of had this feeling that you will always be there,you know, just being there for me, as you have always been. Or rather this possibility had never occurred to me that one day, I might have to face life, face the world without you at my side...

My grief knows no limits,

My tears flow unhindered,

For it is about you,

It has always been about you.

A hollowed feeling gnaws my heart

A feeling that I'm alone in this world...

It might be my mistake,

It might be just a feeling;

For it is my sun who has set...

For it is my life which has lost horizons...

There is a Jewish Cemetery in between my University Campus. Whenever I pass by it, I recall a lonely grave back home....

It is not made of stone like the ones here, it is not covered with snow and mud and doesn't look overgrown and neglected. It isn't left alone in the middle of nowhere...

It is a black granite gravestone,brand -new, well tended... Fresh flowers are kept on it every day...Loved ones visit it regularly.....

6 feet below the ground, 6 feet in length... 5100 miles away from where my body is... lies my heart...which still beats in the world where you don't breathe.....

Your sound was music,

Your laugh was light,

Your words were

What made me live...

You were whom

I lived for...

I lost you,

Life,Love,Meaning... Over.

Every day I live

Every breath I take

I still take

For you, and you only...

For I can't throw away the life,

You didn't have the chance

To live.....

There was a rainbow box,

In which I hid my colours,

I kept them locked away

From all eyes,but mine.

When I opened the lid today,

The colours had all but lost their shine

But still,they were my colours,

They were my dreams wrapped in tinsel.

Those dreams,which I'd nurtured as a child,

Those dreams,which were once my reason to live,

Those dreams,which made me who I am,

Those dreams,which were mine and only mine.

As I grew,I started to think,

As I thought, I realized things...

I realized that, those colours,

Those dreams of mine,..

They never would've made it

Out of that box anyway...

They never would've painted my life

Yellow, and Red and every other colour...

They never would've gone out

Into the world, and made it a better place.

As realization stormed my brain,

I closed the lid on my rainbow box once more

Only to open it and wonder

How different life would've been

If I'd let my colours out....

As I had promised, I am back with my news.... (Well, that means I am in a better mood today lol)

We are all moving out of the student accomodation next month. There are about eleven of us, we have rented 2 two-bedroom flats facing each other and we are going to move in early next month yaayeeeee :D.

Actually one of the flats is available from next week and the other by the beginning of March. So we are moving in as and when those of us staying in college accomodation find replacements [which all of us have got incidentally, the only thing is the female who wants to move in mine wants to take it only by next month :( ]

Ya, well, so that's my big huge newss..... I am super excited !!!!!!!! It's gonna be awesome!!!!!yeaaaaaaa :D

There are people who go about their lives in the normal way, and then... there's me.

I have no idea what is wrong with me (well, something is, I can bet on that). My mood swings have become almost legendary, as in, I am happy and sunny and shiny one moment and then wham!!! I am all dark and moody and cloudy... I mean, that is not normal is it??

My whole life is sort of falling apart around me... people dying, people having accidents, people falling sick.... That could be a reason you know...my way of dealing with it or whatever...Dear God, I need help, don't I !!!!

But that is no excuse for picking fights with people around me,my friends, cousins,my mom... Well, I always knew I am not at all approachable when in a temper..but now, it's almost everyday... Not a day passes when I don't fight with someone for some stupid reason... I really need to get my brain rewired!!!!!

It could be this place too, you know, ever since I came here everything has been going wrong... with me, my family, friends...everyone!!! It is messing with my schedule, my whole life!! The most haunted city in the world is playing some tricks on me huh... lol lol ;)

I don't normally talk around people I don't know really well..but generally, once I get to know them, I am an unstoppable force of nature.. but my nature, my whole personality is sort of undergoing a change. I don't talk much even with friends, I prefer to remain silent. I don't know, when everyone is talking, I don't feel like, I feel like I'll be adding my volume too to the collective noise, which would get to be too much for my tolerance.

This is just a random post. As you might've guessed, I am in one of those moods now and needed a catharsis... Gotta go now... So long...

PS: My best friends here are leaving for a study tip to Brussels, Amsterdam etc... Gonna be a boring week. Btw we are all moving out from college accomodation and moving in together. Will relate that story when in a better mood.

In Memoriam M -Part 2

To M....

I know I can't hold on to you forever. I know I'll have to let you go at some point. And believe me, I've been trying,and trying hard...

I didn't just shrivel up and cry when you left all of a sudden, I didn't stop living my life, as much as I wanted to. For the past 5 months I've been trying my damnedest, trying like hell to just be normal, to go back to what I was before you arrived. Don't get me wrong here, my life has been all the more better because you were there, but now, when you are not there, I find it really really really difficult to live with even your memories. It is especially difficult sometimes. Some days it takes everything I have, every ounce of willpower I ever possessed to just get out of the damn bed and go about my business.

I never gave up on anything, not even the hope that you will ultimately come back some day... not yet...even when I know that the place you went is a place from where no one ever comes back...the eternal home from where there is no return. I still hope because that is the one thing I learnt from you, to hope even in the most impossible situations, to never give up on anything...I'm doing everything I can to move on... I can't be free of you, I never will be and I never want to be.. But I want this all-blinding pain in my chest to end, whenever I think of you, I want this lump which crops up in my throat at the mention of your name to go away , I want my tears not to flow every time I think of our times spent together...

I know I can't hold on to a dead guy forever and keep reminiscing of the good times gone.....But it was a hell of a good time... Thank you for all the memories... thank you for being there for me every single time...thank you for listening to my endless worries and meaningless mumbo-jumbo even in the dead of the night.....thank you for just being YOU...!!!

I love you as I always have,

I miss you as I always will..

But it's time to put you to rest..

It's time to set you free...

I shall think of you,

As free and not as gone..

I shall dream of you

As free and not as lost....

I love you,

I miss you,

But I'm letting you go....

I'm letting you rest at last.....

I CANNOT SLEEP...

I cannot bloody sleep..I have no idea why. I've been sleeping all of 4 hours for,like, days and those too festered with freaky dreams from which I wake up almost crying,yes,crying. I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me!!!!!

I forgot to write about my new year resolution and b'day resolution in the previous one.

New year resolution is that I will quit drinking, which I have. I did take a shot on my b'day because my friend insisted that if I don't, nobody else will,that's the only lapse so far.

My birthday resolution is a bit harder. I will not be bitchy and mean anymore, I'll be sweet :), I'm trying to keep that one.

Btw, I am applying for PhD studentships now, for October 2010. Nice,rte :)

The first post of the new year !!!

Okay.. welcome to my very first post of the new year. I've been really lazy all this while, mainly because classes hadn't started yet after the vacations. So I was just content to stay in my room and sleep :).

About the New Year's Eve:- In the morning I went to the Greenwich Observatory with my friends,walked on the Universal Time Meridian and shivered a lot in the extreme cold..lol...

I had sort of tried to organise a party for the new year's eve at the student housing, but it didn't materialise since different people wanted to celebrate new year differently (rolling eyes). So we just sort of had a get together, the ones who wanted to spend the new year my way, that is, we just hanged out and talked, went for dinner at an Indian restaurant in Whitechapel (yes,Jack the Ripper's place lol ), then we headed to Central London to see the main new year fireworks. So we had to get down in between because the tubes got closed because of the rush. So we walked to the bank of the Thames by the London Eye. The fireworks was kind of short, but they were amazing and awesomely beautiful :D. It was worth standing in the cold for 2 hours waiting for it.My only wish for the new year was that please please please don't let it be like the previous one. Please don't let it be as depressing and sad as 2009..... After that we came back (travel was free by the way) to the common room at the housing of our doctor friends and talked and played and had tea etc etc . Finally got home to bed by about 7 in the morning :).

About turning 21:- Well, I turned 21 in the new year. It was really nice...and tiring. I thought my friends had all gone to bed, I couldn't find anyone online and I'd just had a fight with one of them 2 days before. I was just talking to one of my best friends and telling her that everyone's sleeping etc and we are having a party in the evening etc etc and there is a rap on the door :). Voila!!! that's every one :) :) :). We had a nice time 'pastry cutting' and all that ;). We made a whole video of it and it was really really nice. The party was... well, really tiring because we walked from pub to pub to fill everyone's criteria, dancing and boozing and disco music and no entry fee..... finally we came back to the common room of my housing to celebrate... that was the best part. One of my friends,poor guy, got stranded because of a lecture that ran late... and he had to come tube-hopping from here and there whenever we changed venues lol. All in all, it was nice, and my closest friends,they had made a video for me..which was very sweet :D.

Now back to classes, they are seriously starting to scare me. Should start studying properly now. Net is down in the housing for the weekend... so I started to type this in the library, but now relocated to the study area because the library closed for the day. Gotta go now.... So long...!!!!!!