This loneliness...
Eating away at me
Like a pack of crabs...
Gnawing at my flesh,
Cracking that soul beneath.

In heart's way
I've done a wrong;no
I have sinned;
I have loved you
And I'm paying penance.

Broken dreams...
Like sharp edges of looking glass
Pricks me and pricks me
Till I'm raw with grief.
I'll die a thousand deaths
Only if this pain would go away...

Why did I dream yesterday,
Of a tomorrow with you?
Why did I dream dreams
Which were never to be true?
Why did I dream of a dream
Which died befor it was born?
Why, why...??

I made a common mistake,
Thought my love was destiny
When it wasn't to be..
Now,
When destiny is so far away,
My road to it is broken
My road ends at twilight
In the depths of darkness
Though it was to guide me
To a new dawn...
Where do I go now??
To whom do I turn now??

Today,almost 4 years later I thought of the guy I had my first crush on. Well,not first crush,first serious crush;which lasted more than a week:-); which still has a haunting quality,a long time after I convinced myself that I'm totally over him.

I was listening to a song from the movie Dilkabaddi, a sad song actually,the guy pining for the girl type. And, I dunno, it just came back all of a sudden,with a tinge of nostalgia. I was 14 years old again, back at school. He was 2 years ahead of me.We had absolutely nothing in common,save for some common friends and a sunsign. I don't remember how or why I'd fallen for him. With all the innocence typical of that age I believed it was true love,till the end. Not only didn't he reciprocate my feelings, he actually thought I was just a silly little girl. It didn't matter to me much at that time, I was content to just go on like that. I had resolutely tried to maintain a friendship sort of for a while afterward. But that too dissolved in a haze of confusion; including a cousin,a family friend,3 close friends and a weird guy;long story.

It was the longest crush of my life,perhaps my first love,which lasted 3 whole years,Wow! I have seen him only once after we both left that school. For a long time, I believed that since my love is true, he will come back to me eventually. I dunno if I still believe that. It seems funny now,since he has been a jerk for the time I have known him. But it seems there is a wee twinge in my heart when I think of him. Maybe I'm not as over him as I think;maybe I don't want to be;maybe I just wanna keep him as a bittersweet memory of my first love;maybe...

When the world turned its back on me,
When I was lost in my own world,
When loneliness dogged my footsteps,
I heard a voice calling out my name;yours.

When I'd stopped caring
Stopped laughing and talking,
Was about to stop breathing,
You gave me reason to live.

When I was fumbling
In the dark corners of my mind,
You brought me light,
Love and laughter.

You taught me
To pick up the pieces of my torn life
To jigsaw them together
And go on living.

You taught me
Who'd forgotten but the cynical curving of lips
To laugh,laugh at you,at me,
And laugh at the world.

When you smile,
It was spring again
And when you cried
Dreary winter came.

You and your smile
Where all that mattered...
Your smile,my wings
Can I fly??

You knw,there should be a perfect book for every reader; the one with which u laugh,cry and above all,identify yourself. For me, that book is GONE WITH THE WIND. i don't know how many times i have read it. But i jes dont get bored with it, and can read it any number of times,again and again,continuously. I hadn't known how much i missed it till i read Scarlett. I had left my copy at home when i went this time(that was a paperback neway).

And i wanted to buy its original very badly. So the day my exams were over, i went and bought it, and immersed myself in it too,you can say. Wild horses can't drag me away from it:-)). And my heart is already breaking under the thought that i'll have 2 lend it 2 my friend who had askd me 4 it the very day i bought it:-((.

I dunno,it is the only love story i've ever lakd. Its not totally a love story though,its a period story u can say,love has a very small part in it. Its a classic really. And the only book reading which,i've ever cried:-). And i just love Scarlett o'Hara for all her hardheadedness and shrewdness and all the annoying qualities(?) she has. Let's just say dat i feel a strong kinship and empathy with her. And Melanie is too good to be true.I would love to hav a sister lak her. Ashley is stupid;i dunno how Scarlett could be so in love with him. And Rhett,he's just divine,to say the least. I really have no idea how Scarlett could be so shortsighted as to not see from the first that he loved her so madly. He is,you know, the perfect lover,with all this romantic aura around him. You can eat him with a spoon!!!

I've just finished reading it for the second time after buying it 4 days ago. Its quite a heavy book,with somethin lak 1485 pages. But its actually worth spending all the time reading it.

When I was young,

I was a wild colt

Without broken spirit

With no curb bit in my mouth.

My heart was as light as a bird's

Happiness pulsing in my veins

In that spring of youth

I had no care in the world.

Away went spring,summer and autumn

And came winter,of harsh truths,

Of the burdens of growing up

Of squaring your shoulders and bearing them up.

I couldn't walk on clouds anymore,

I couldn't dream of light,

I couldn't scream in delight,

And I couldn't cry in remorse.

Away went the smoothness of youth

Replaced by the harsh lines of life

With an armful of loads to tote

I never could be myself anymore.

A stranger looks back at me from the mirror,

With my dark eyes

With frowning lines in her face

Her mouth set against the world.

When I look back into those days

Those carefree days of youth

Of laughing and chattering and gossipping,

I dont recognise myself anymore.

I want to love you

Love you from the

Depths of my heart;

I want to love you

Not for what I want you to be,

But for what you are, and what you will be.

I want to love you,

Forever and ever,

Till I take that last whiff of air

To keep life going.

I want to love you,

Without any qualms,terms and conditions,

Without the heartbreak of unrequitted love,

I want to love you

Till the end of the world,

To the dusk of Gods

Love you enough,not to

Hide you under my wings;

Love you enough,

To let you go...

I mourn you today,

Not because you are dead,

But because you are gone;

Gone from the world where we co-existed once,

Gone from the life,

Where we shared our dreams.

There no more is that togetherness,

That feeling of belonging,

That pleasure of knowing,

That we'll be there for each other.

I mourn the good old days

Which glittered with sunshine and laughter,

where,in the oneness of being,

You were mine, and I yours.