So.....

Anudr year is goin.....and ofcourse, a new one is cming in:-)

I don't have much in way of resolutions,coz I don't believe in taking(or keeping) resolutions. However,I have decided to do certain things in the new year.

1.Dump my boyfriend.He is getting way too much for me to handle...

2.Respect myself slightly more than I have done this past year.

3.Stop trying to talk to a certain friend of mine till he talks to me(Well,this one is impulsive and is subject to change).

In general,take no shit from anyone.

That's it,more or less. I'll have to see how much of these am really gonna carry out.

Frankly,this year hasn't been too great. Neither to me,nor to the 'global community' at large.

I have messed up my life big time with a lousy boyfriend,a monster project guide,and a cranky landlady. And ofcourse I still am staying away from home:-(. On the bright side,my studies are looking good and I've finally made up with my roommate:-).

Im really not gonna go into the details of how the global community suffered this year.I have got enough things to worry about already.

I'll just say bye to everyone who passed away this year,u knw,the final bye(I'll say hi to the newborns when the year starts, i dont think they'll be able to hear it yet).

So,bye bye 2008....

Since I don't drink,I'll toast u with my waterglass;-)))

To 2008.....

P.S: I am home for the New year after 2 whole years.I've made plans to roam around with friends the whole day,yaayee...!!

It has been a fortnight past that black wednesday which India would probably never forget. I wanted to write n say quite a lot about it. But everytime I started to, I just couldnt bring myself to do it. I was so possessed by anger and sadness and shame and many other things I couldn't fathom. I don't think I have gotten over it yet, I dunw if I ever would,I dunw if any of us ever would.

My mom called me up at 6.00 just like evryday. Generally I talk to her and go back to sleep. But that day there was this upsetting piece of news she gave me,which ruled out sleep altogether; not just that morning,but for almost a week afterwards.

We Indians are no strangers to bomb blasts and the like. But they are all over in a jiffy and what we get to knw are very impersonal statistics. But this feeling of utter helplessness,of just being able to stand by and watch this misery,was something new,and all the more disgruntling. I knew I was as safe as could be in Pune,but my heart was bleeding for all those dear,familiar places,for that busy,bustling city I love so much.

A lot has been said about what all the government could have done to avoid this attack,about their impassiveness,about the poor people who died,about the heroes who laid down their lives....
I don't wanna go into all that. The one gud thing that came out of all the devastatin,accordin to me is that,it brought out the unity in diversity for which India is very famous. All communities and ppl are coming out to support the victims,against the govt,and generally,against the heinous concept of terrorism.

The Pakistani media has been an expressing a really stupid wish of theirs,that India would perish if it keeps pointing a finger at Pakistan. Thats what the terrorists want too ,I guess. They have been trying for 61 yers.But they havent suceeded till now. N they never will. As long as we have people like Hemant Karkare,Ashok Kamthe,Vijay Salaskar,Sandeep Unnikrishnan etc who give up their todays so that v can hav a better tomorrow,they will never b granted their wish. They might encroach to our territory,enrage our hospitality and kill our compatriots,but they will never terrorize us. We won't let them to.

I made a mistake;

I sent you away

When I realized it,

It was too late.

I tried to call you back

But the distance had widened so

That you couldn't come

Even if you wished.

Across the distance,

Swimming against all odds

When you did come to me,

I did the unforgivable;

I turned you away.

I made two mistakes

Both of which cost me you,

But I have no regrets

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

My eyes will watch you forever

My ears will be cocked for your footsteps

My soul will yearn for

You and you only

I'll be yours

For as long as I live.

I've lost measure

Of how much I love you,

I have loved you,or how much

I will love you...

Still I can't tell you that

I LOVE YOU.

This loneliness...
Eating away at me
Like a pack of crabs...
Gnawing at my flesh,
Cracking that soul beneath.

In heart's way
I've done a wrong;no
I have sinned;
I have loved you
And I'm paying penance.

Broken dreams...
Like sharp edges of looking glass
Pricks me and pricks me
Till I'm raw with grief.
I'll die a thousand deaths
Only if this pain would go away...

Why did I dream yesterday,
Of a tomorrow with you?
Why did I dream dreams
Which were never to be true?
Why did I dream of a dream
Which died befor it was born?
Why, why...??

I made a common mistake,
Thought my love was destiny
When it wasn't to be..
Now,
When destiny is so far away,
My road to it is broken
My road ends at twilight
In the depths of darkness
Though it was to guide me
To a new dawn...
Where do I go now??
To whom do I turn now??

Today,almost 4 years later I thought of the guy I had my first crush on. Well,not first crush,first serious crush;which lasted more than a week:-); which still has a haunting quality,a long time after I convinced myself that I'm totally over him.

I was listening to a song from the movie Dilkabaddi, a sad song actually,the guy pining for the girl type. And, I dunno, it just came back all of a sudden,with a tinge of nostalgia. I was 14 years old again, back at school. He was 2 years ahead of me.We had absolutely nothing in common,save for some common friends and a sunsign. I don't remember how or why I'd fallen for him. With all the innocence typical of that age I believed it was true love,till the end. Not only didn't he reciprocate my feelings, he actually thought I was just a silly little girl. It didn't matter to me much at that time, I was content to just go on like that. I had resolutely tried to maintain a friendship sort of for a while afterward. But that too dissolved in a haze of confusion; including a cousin,a family friend,3 close friends and a weird guy;long story.

It was the longest crush of my life,perhaps my first love,which lasted 3 whole years,Wow! I have seen him only once after we both left that school. For a long time, I believed that since my love is true, he will come back to me eventually. I dunno if I still believe that. It seems funny now,since he has been a jerk for the time I have known him. But it seems there is a wee twinge in my heart when I think of him. Maybe I'm not as over him as I think;maybe I don't want to be;maybe I just wanna keep him as a bittersweet memory of my first love;maybe...

When the world turned its back on me,
When I was lost in my own world,
When loneliness dogged my footsteps,
I heard a voice calling out my name;yours.

When I'd stopped caring
Stopped laughing and talking,
Was about to stop breathing,
You gave me reason to live.

When I was fumbling
In the dark corners of my mind,
You brought me light,
Love and laughter.

You taught me
To pick up the pieces of my torn life
To jigsaw them together
And go on living.

You taught me
Who'd forgotten but the cynical curving of lips
To laugh,laugh at you,at me,
And laugh at the world.

When you smile,
It was spring again
And when you cried
Dreary winter came.

You and your smile
Where all that mattered...
Your smile,my wings
Can I fly??

You knw,there should be a perfect book for every reader; the one with which u laugh,cry and above all,identify yourself. For me, that book is GONE WITH THE WIND. i don't know how many times i have read it. But i jes dont get bored with it, and can read it any number of times,again and again,continuously. I hadn't known how much i missed it till i read Scarlett. I had left my copy at home when i went this time(that was a paperback neway).

And i wanted to buy its original very badly. So the day my exams were over, i went and bought it, and immersed myself in it too,you can say. Wild horses can't drag me away from it:-)). And my heart is already breaking under the thought that i'll have 2 lend it 2 my friend who had askd me 4 it the very day i bought it:-((.

I dunno,it is the only love story i've ever lakd. Its not totally a love story though,its a period story u can say,love has a very small part in it. Its a classic really. And the only book reading which,i've ever cried:-). And i just love Scarlett o'Hara for all her hardheadedness and shrewdness and all the annoying qualities(?) she has. Let's just say dat i feel a strong kinship and empathy with her. And Melanie is too good to be true.I would love to hav a sister lak her. Ashley is stupid;i dunno how Scarlett could be so in love with him. And Rhett,he's just divine,to say the least. I really have no idea how Scarlett could be so shortsighted as to not see from the first that he loved her so madly. He is,you know, the perfect lover,with all this romantic aura around him. You can eat him with a spoon!!!

I've just finished reading it for the second time after buying it 4 days ago. Its quite a heavy book,with somethin lak 1485 pages. But its actually worth spending all the time reading it.

When I was young,

I was a wild colt

Without broken spirit

With no curb bit in my mouth.

My heart was as light as a bird's

Happiness pulsing in my veins

In that spring of youth

I had no care in the world.

Away went spring,summer and autumn

And came winter,of harsh truths,

Of the burdens of growing up

Of squaring your shoulders and bearing them up.

I couldn't walk on clouds anymore,

I couldn't dream of light,

I couldn't scream in delight,

And I couldn't cry in remorse.

Away went the smoothness of youth

Replaced by the harsh lines of life

With an armful of loads to tote

I never could be myself anymore.

A stranger looks back at me from the mirror,

With my dark eyes

With frowning lines in her face

Her mouth set against the world.

When I look back into those days

Those carefree days of youth

Of laughing and chattering and gossipping,

I dont recognise myself anymore.

I want to love you

Love you from the

Depths of my heart;

I want to love you

Not for what I want you to be,

But for what you are, and what you will be.

I want to love you,

Forever and ever,

Till I take that last whiff of air

To keep life going.

I want to love you,

Without any qualms,terms and conditions,

Without the heartbreak of unrequitted love,

I want to love you

Till the end of the world,

To the dusk of Gods

Love you enough,not to

Hide you under my wings;

Love you enough,

To let you go...

I mourn you today,

Not because you are dead,

But because you are gone;

Gone from the world where we co-existed once,

Gone from the life,

Where we shared our dreams.

There no more is that togetherness,

That feeling of belonging,

That pleasure of knowing,

That we'll be there for each other.

I mourn the good old days

Which glittered with sunshine and laughter,

where,in the oneness of being,

You were mine, and I yours.

I read 3 mistakes of my life by Chetan Bhagat yesterday. I had been waiting forever to read it, as my exams were goin on. N then everyone was lak, its gr8,u shud read n all that. So I bought it atlast, n then i gave it 2 my frnd to read. I ws reading Scarlett at that tym. That is the sequel of Gone with the wind,u knw,the american civil war love story made into an oscar winning film wid Clark Gable n Vivien Leigh. That s the only love story I hav ever lakd. N Scarlett s also quite gud,but thats by Alexandra ripley,nt by Margaret Mitchell. I had heard its nt quite upto the mark but i lakd it, i thnk mainly coz i jus luv Scarlett O'Hara.

So cumin back to 3 mistakes, i thnk Bhagat made a mistake in writing it. Yes, it s very inspirational,impressive and all that,the struggles of Govind Patel,but in the end it became jus that. It tuk on the lecturing tone of these slick help guru type f buks. The first half is pretty dragging n wen it dus pick up pace smewer in the 2nd half,the plotline weakens. It s the old,worn out hindu muslim riots and thngs lak that. But i shud admit he has dun a gud job of connecting the earthquakes n godhra riots n cricket matches. You do get 2 connect wid patel at sme points coz he dus thngs i believe v wud all do at that pt of tym. But on the whole, the book is a mistake!!! Hey,its my opinion,nuthn personal Mr.Bhagat:-))

Nw, my Scarlett..I can go on and on abt it ya. Its also almost lak facing ur troubles,handling it,havn 2 go smewer no1 has ever dared 2 go n beimg shunned 4 it.....But it has been depicted wonderfully. You can literally feel all that s happening in those pages. u cn c the red soil of tara,breathe the irish air n feel the charlestonian spirit in you. It s mindblowing,superb,wonderful,bold,..... I'm running out of words. It had me hooked for a couple of days. n its quite a thick book too. Ne1 who la reading,who has read one with the wind n lakd it,or saw the movie(i din lak it mch as oopposed to the buk,though coz i read the buk n then saw it) n lakd it, must must must read Scarlett,it won't disappoint you..

Hi there.... long tym,huh?? I had met with an accident,thanks to the call centre cabbies of Pune. My roommate and I had gone out for shopping and stuff like that. We were returning late at night through university road. There was the usual great combination of rain and smoooooth road. There was this cab in front of us, being driven quite at a pace ( I wasn't driving too slow either). It sudden braked to take a u-turn,and obviously so had I. My bike,being a scooty,is very light and the brake control isn't great either. So skidded vroongggg..... throwing off my roomie and me. She wasn't badly hurt since she had her hands to break her fall. I was driving,so both hands busy, and i hit my chin. For some time I was like, "Mein kaun hun, kahan hun" types., you know,all dizzy dizzy. I was lucky the vehicles behind us had proper brakes, coz the last time my roomie checked, I was half under an omni,and she under a truck:-)))). So I was resting and recuperating at home all this while. I am not badly hurt, but am bruised all over. And now I have developed a fever of sorts:-((. And I couldnt open blogger and hotmail in my cell,God knows why...

There should be cliche on bad wedding stories.When I say bad,I don't mean the ones in which the husband and wife shout at each other and make up after 5 minutes and make sweet love to forget all differences(comeon,noone is gonna fall for picture perfect married lives these days).I mean the ones in which these people actually abuse each other (verbally and physically) and become public nuisances.

There is a reason for me to mention them(isn't there always??). My brother's much hyped marriage is almost in shreds.well, the usual reasons.One wants kids,the other doesn't;the demanding nature of their jobs and how they never get to see each other enough;they are not made for each other,blah,blah,blah.....

My brother's was a love marriage.he was 32 when he got married(sorta late u know).Bhabhi is more or less the same age.They were working together,cupid struck,and they got married.Now cupid has come to his senses and has decided to pull them apart.

I don't understand.Aren't marriages supposed to be made in heaven??Or does God doze off when he conducts certain marriages??Interesting question,eh??Hhhmmm...


While we are on the subject of breakups,recently my friend broke up with her boyfriend;very very strange breakup...

They had bee going out for something like an year.My friend has this habit of showing affection by pinching your cheeks n hands and all.I used to find it strange,but now am used to it and so is everyone else.One day we ,ie, my friend and her boyfriend,me and another friend of mine,we had bunked a lecture and was just hanging out in college.My friend was pinching her boyfriends cheeks as usual.I dunno suddenly what happened;the guy became violent and started beating her up,you know, slapping and shoving and stuff.we managed to pull them apart but that actually was gross.My friend had her revenge by scratching his hands raw(I rather liked that know).And of course,soon after that she dumped him.;-))

I am sort of in the middle of breakups this season(although not mine).They are funny strange sometimes ad sometimes they are gross strange.Well,am enjoying it...

I'm alone in the rain..
Come,walk with me baby
Let's soak in the rain
Till our hearts lighten.

The dark alleys whisper
Crude,rude things to me
I lost my wits,
I lost my life,
Now I'm scared to lose you,baby...

As the sky lightens,
As the sun hastens,
As the rain departs with a peck on my chek,
Come, laugh with me, baby;
Come, laugh at me, baby,
For in the irony of my life's darkness
I'm still happy to see light,feel light
For in my life,accursed, lights have dimmed forever,
But still,as ever, I'm afraid of the dark!!!

It is raining...
The falling raindrops,so soft
Yet so loud..
The carress of raindrops
In my body..
Her delightful music,
In my ears...
My mind's burdens
She washed away..
I am light and new,
I'm one with the rain...

It is raining,
In my mind,
In my soul...
In the very core of me...
The all cleansing shower....

I am cold;He is warmth

I am the chilly wind blowing in the hills

He is the raging fire eating up the woods

I'm pale; He's bright

I'm death; He's life...

When I'm lost in the dark horizons of fear,

Iyearn for him;crave for him;cry for him...

He is the fullness that fills my vacuum,

My thoughts, my mind, day and night

He is my Sun, my Almighty star

My light, my life.

Awake or asleep,

In dream or in game,

I always want him...

And when I won't exist,...

I would still want him!!!

When I'm afraid,

Ithink of your eyes;

Crusted onyx in the sea of peace.

When I'm anxious

I see the smile

Which sets your swarthy face alight

In my dreams,deepest thought,

You were always mine; forever.

In life with an 'L',

You're not mine

You never were and never will be.

When I'm asleep in someone's arms,

I yearn and crave for you, your love.

This divine love; I have for you

You never knew; and p'haps never will.

You looked at me; but never saw,

You've heard me; but never listened.

And I'm here holding this worthless heart

For it never heeds what my mind says

And keeps beating on and on...

That "I LOVE YOU".

Well,you know,for a WRITING MACHINE my posts have been rather frequent n largely scattered.My excuse is that I have been much too busy with clases that i have not even time to move around!!!It's hardly been two weeks n I'm already complaining.I really have no idea how I'm gonna get through the whole year which is gonna be extra demanding since its the final one.That reminds me,I've been rather vague about myself n my whereabouts.
My name well,it can hardly be Buttercup, but let it remain so for the time being.I am a 3rd year Bsc student from Pune(Its not my native place,I'm merely one of the thousands of out of station students in Pune).I stay in a PG n am quite miserable that my home is too far away for me to go atleast once in a week.I am an avid reader.I love writing,dancing and talking.Well,talking should actually be in the number 1 position.I love to talk.I can go on and on about no particular topic at all,if u would just let me:-) (That's my take ok,my friends tell me that I like to listen better than to talk).Ya, and I have this starting trouble,but once thats over, u can't stop me:-).
Well,that's about me.I'll try to be more regular now onwards.gotta go now.C yaaaaa bloggieee

I am just getting so bored with everything. It seems like an endless wait for classes to start;not that i much fancy attending classes,but it is much much better than sitting at home listening o the bickerings of my landady.and now there is this new roommate of mine,who is a complete pain in the ass.It takes her 5 minutes to put together 5 words(rather like David in Friends).To top it off,she is this total jerk.I'm sort of a night person,s i normally study at night.Likewise my other roommate stays up at night working on her laptop.And this female,apparently cannot sleep because of the tiny light of the laptop!!What a jerk!!She is so tiny n i guess she has this huge ego about hundred times her size.Tell u what,given a chance am gonna put her tight little butt exactly where it belongs...hhmmmm!!!!

Rain,rain,come again....

It has been raining for a while now.The rhythm of raindrops on the roof is more melodious and far more dearer to ears than the best music ever.
I have always been fascinated by the rain.She makes me romantic and melancholy at once.I dunno ,when it rains,I almost always find myself writing something or the other.It is as if she kinda boosts my creative spirit...That's something I gotta be thankful to her for,I guess.
She has always been a friend,and lately,more like a confidante.When I speak to myself,watching my groves in the rain through my window,I can feel her listening to me.And I can almost hear her murmuring back softly,just loud enough for me to hear..comforting me in my sorrows,laughing at my idiocies....
I feel as if I carry a bit of her spirit inside me;her sweet restlessness,soft touches and a love, which draws her to the earth again and again.
If there is rebirth,and I could choose mine,I'd love to be a drop of water;travelling through time, over galaxies and solar systems;wading in and out of starry oceans;riding on wind's back;ultimately,coming back home to embrace mother earth,to quench her thirst,as a little raindrop.....

hi there...

I am just sitting at home,you know,the ‘too lazy to move around’ kinda feeling.i’ve been home since Saturday n hasn’t gone out once,can u imagine!! And my boyfriend,he is too busy wid his exams,n placement n more exams..hhrruummpphhh!!I dunno,this visit home has been much better than most visits.first thing,I was only too glad to get away from my landlady .she n my roommate have some issues with each other and,needless to say,I am the one suffering!! Both of them keep bickering about each other to me n don’t allow me to studyyy!!!But anyway this semester exams were a lot better,mainly bcoz I actually made an effort to study n found it wasn’t a too difficult thing. That is something I agree wholeheartedly with everyone,I stopped studying after 10th std.there was a rather sticky problem with my then boyfriend,you know, n I was slightly depressed hhm. Nothing else in life mattered anymore(well,at that time). It took me 2 years,but finally,I have moved on.N guess what,I got an emotional wreck of a boyfriend now heheheee!!! I who hate to wear my heart on my sleeve,I who hate emotional fools,I who is too selfish to enter into a relationship,got such a boyfriend of the kind which I never wanted:-). N you knw what the funny part is,that idiot thinks it is for life,upon very little evidence!! I mean,well,it can be,but that is only a possibility. Both of us are too young to even think about settling down(as of now,I don’t have any plan to do so in near future) n to be frank I have got oodles of this commitment problem which is normally associated to guys&:-)). Well,I don’t think that is anything to be ashamed of,many people have. But when this guy goes on about future n marriage n kids n stuff,I feel awkward n a little bit guilty. I relly don’t know what I have done to make him think that we are gonna be together all along!!Well,that’s my problem.udr than that,my life is beautifullll,I shud say.
well,i really don knw y am sayn all dis in the very 1st blog,but i really don hav nethn els to say right nw:-))