Buttercup says goodbye...

Hi everyone who has been reading and following this blog,

This blog has been active for slightly more than 2 years. Writing is something I have enjoyed for ever. But I think, now it is time for the writing machine to stop writing. I'm not saying that I will never write again...I'm saying that I'm taking a break (I have come to hate that word lately, but what to do, it is very handy).  I know for a fact that I have hurt atleast one person by writing this blog...I apologise for that... The two things about me which are deemed offensive and rude ( and you have to believe when I say so myself) are what I speak and what I write. Since I can't very well cut off my tongue, I am trying to do the next best thing by quitting writing. I might show up here and there as a comment in one of your blogs, or some blog that you follow...Please consider it my way of saying Hi and that  I'm alive and well... Thank you for your comments, encouragements etc. You guys kept me going for 2 years.

Until we meet again.... Adios Amigos, Au revoir, Goodbye.... Live long and Prosper...

I had a dream...

I had a dream...
To walk on the clouds
To breathe in the wind
To sleep amongst the stars...
To play with the moon...

I had a dream...
To grow up one day and be perfect
To have something I'm afraid to lose
To be someone to look up to
To be grand, to be special...

I woke up one day and realised
That dreams are not all they're made out to be...
That you almost never get what you dream about
That you never ever get what you wish for
That you'll never ever  be the one you want to be...
And that you'll be who you'd never have wished to be...

Life is not fair...but who said it'll be...right....

My friends and I went to watch the musical "The Phantom of the Opera" at Her Majesty's theatre at Haymarket,London. We were a bit apprehensive about the cost of the tickets at first, BUT...it was totally worth it...and More.... :D

It is about this guy with a mask who teaches a so-called extra dancer of a French Opera House,Christine Daee to sing so well so as to make her the lead singer and all  just because he fell in love with her. She also harbours amorous feelings towards him, well, atleast until she sees his disfigured face. The real twist in the tale comes with the appearance of Christine's childhood sweetheart,raoul, the Vicomte de Chagny ( who , according to Cuttu, is almost definitely a PISCEAN, because he is ready to fight all odds and ends to be with his love. I disagree...LOL).

Then its the regular story, the phantom warns Raoul to stay away from Christine or else something horrible will happen. he hangs the curtain puller from his own rod when Raoul disobeys. Then he practically kidnaps Christine and takes her away to his abode across the river and tries to marry her et al. And finally she kisses him ( as he was trying to execute Raoul ) and he gets all teary and lets the lovers go their way...So its the regular story, of a journey from obsession to love..for a change the hero/villain/anti-hero doesn't die in the end...

The beauty of the musical lies in the hands of the brilliant actors, the amazing stage settings, choreogra[phy etc and ofcourse, the awesome awesome music. I never thought I'll get to hear whistles from the crowd over here lol lol.

I saw the movie afterwards. The story, music all the same. Gerrard Butler is perfect for the role because he is so horribly bad looking but still has some charm about him...

It was an overwhelming experience...You really feel something at the plight of the phantom who falls in love with someone unattainable (don't we all, really). Our seats weren't that great, because, obviously we had to go for a cheaper option (that too 20 pounds), being poor students (lol). The really great seats were something like 89 pounds or so. Even though not so much, Cuttu and I have decided to spend perhaps 10 pounds more and get better seats for the sequel, "Love Never Dies" playing at the Strand, probably after I come back from home at the end of September.

Meanwhile... Dissertation :O :(

Hey sleep, why'd you come so late...
I've been waiting for so long...
My poor ole' brain
Is tired and sick...
I just want to escape
To the land of dreams...

In my dreams,
I can see stars again,
I can fly with the wind,
Swim in the clouds
And be at peace with myself again...

As I lie here, thinking of sleep
And the blissful hours to come...
I'm disturbed by the realization
That, inevitably, I have to wake up again...
I have to face life again...
I have to stand up and be me again...

As my conscious plunges
As my eyelids flutter
I wish for a moment...
That I didn't have to wake up again...
That I could just sleep on and on...
Forever and ever....

From me....to you....

I thought you were mine...maybe I was wrong...Maybe I had no right to think that you were...I don't know...my mistake...

I have never been insecure about anything ever in my life...But I AM  about you...I don't understand it either...I'm still trying to come to terms with it...It's not easy, to realise that probably you care much much more about someone than that person does about you...Don't misunderstand me though... I'm not saying that you don't care, just that I don't feel it...and I'm also not saying that I never felt it...There used to be a time, when I did...I miss that time...and I miss you..as you were...

I feel that I'm not what you want anymore...I feel that you have gotten bored of me, of us...and wants out...But if you are, why are you not telling me??? As far as I'm concerned, it is all about you...till you love me, I'll be there nagging you to hell, but the moment you get tired of me...I wouldn't bother you anymore...

I don't enjoy being taken for granted...actually it is a first for me..I'm still coming to terms with the fact that someone actually  can, and does take me for granted... and the thing that bugs me is that, I'm not fucking doing anything about it...I'm just letting you do that...again and again...I'm scared that if I confront you, I will lose what we have left...It might not make a difference to you...but it does, to me...enormously...But I don't want you to stay with e because you are compelled to either, I want you to be with me, because you want to...only if you want to be... Else, just tell me...I'll understand...

I don't know why I'm writing this...you probably won't even read it... I'm left here wondering exactly when it was that I was reduced to crying over a boy who probably doesn't even care.....

He came, he saw, he conquered....I didn't feel a thing....

Well, that is not entirely true. The first emotion I remember feeling was wonder. He looked, well, human. No halo, no horn, nothing.  Actually I thought he looked a bit like one of my mother's distant cousins...

This was our conversation.

He: "Time to go"

...

 just three simple words. Well, that was fast...is it time already...???

I: "Okay. Who the hell are you....and where exactly are we going?"

He: "To the other side, the white light...whatever...of that wall you see at a distance. "

I "Okay, I'm not completely stupid, you know. I know as much. What is it, as in, heaven or hell or..."

He: "It is just a place. You make your own heaven or hell here on Earth, as you live. You can hold my hand if you are scared". He held out his hand.

I:"No, I don't hold hands."

He:"Oh, I thought you liked to. Is it because he wouldn't hold your hand?"

I:"That, my dear...who did you say you where???"

He:" I didn't actually..since you ask... I'm a helper..I'm supposed to assist with your transition to the other side." 

Well, you aren't doing a great job of it...

I:"As I was saying, that is none of your business, my dear 'helper'. Is this going to be a long journey?"

He: "Depends on your perception. For the mind that wanders it wouldn't be. For the mind that stays, it is."

I:"Okay, then I'm asking for a new helper. You are boring me with all this obscure talks."

He:"Your luck has obviously run out. I'm the only one available. You chose a very inconvenient time to die."

Oh well, what else is new...I'm always wrong...always have been, always will be. Even my timing is bad. couldn't even die at a good time...There's something so pathetic about it.....

I:" Okay...then why are we wasting time...Let's move our asses "...

He:" You sure you don't want to hold my hand?"

I:"Does it hurt to cross to the...well...the other side...?"

He: "Not it doesn't. It is the transition of the soul. No feelings of your body remain."

Well, there he goes..again...

I:"In that case..no..thank you very much. One last question..."

He:"Yes. But fast, because I have work elsewhere...you are not the only person with bad timing..you know.."

Well, that's a relief.

I:"What about..well...my body...will it just rot there?"

He rolled his eyes, wow, I didn't know that other worldly beings also did that.

He:" It is just like you to worry about such things. Yes it will. It is just a vehicle. You are much more than that. Although you don't realise.."

Okay,  I'm shallow...So what's new...

He:" Can we go now, if your questions are over?"

I:" Okay..."

I am a bit scared, apprehensive, more the like. First experience..right. I can feel rather than see the light beyond. It is blinding, but not uncomfortably so. It is more like gravity. It is holding me, rather than me advancing towards it...

I grabbed his hand after all...I saw his lips crinkle in a knowing smile...(I'm a coward...big deal)...and began my journey toward THE LIGHT. It didn't feel like the end of life... rather, like the beginning of something even bigger and better...hmm...here's a thought, I might even enjoy afterlife :)

Disclaimer:-

I’m the sort of person who wishes that people (both male and female) came with self help manuals. I’m very bad at understanding and dealing with people. Basically, I’m not really fond of people as a species. I feel awkward in public (sometimes even among friends) and am not generally comfortable with any sort of social situation. I have almost nil life experience and am not at all qualified to offer advice to anyone (although it is sometimes expected of me). And what I’m going to write is not advice. These are just plain, simple facts coined entirely from my experience and observations. It is dedicated to two very special people, my best friend Cuttu (you will perhaps see her comments) and my cousin Anu (Sorry for the lack of warning guys). And it is primarily aimed at my guy friends ( yes sweetheart, you are also included).

[Good God, look at the size of the disclaimer, this is likely to be an ongoing series :O Don’t go away already guys, I’ll try my best to keep it short].

Okay, so here goes…

Girls like being complemented, whether they deserve it or not. We don’t expect you to keep saying how pretty we are or how beautiful we are all the time, but we do like to hear it now and then. We pretend that we don’t like to be called hot or sexy, but actually, we do. And when you don’t like something we wear or do, please…please tell us that, don’t make faces, or make fun of it, we feel demoralized and sad. The same  happens if you don’t notice that we have done something with our appearance FOR YOU. And “okay”  is not the same as “good” or “nice”. When a girl is looking her worst, she always knows it. So you can actually tell her that she is looking horrible.When she says that she is looking horrible, she is NOT fishing for compliments.  Even Aishwarya Rai lookalikes have their moments of doubt, so do I need to mention about lesser beings like me…

We love it when you call us or text us. We don't mind calling or texting or buzzing you first. It's just that we don't like doing that all the time. We feel unwanted. And we want you to talk to us, rather than think that we will not understand. And it is true that we don't understand things unless told. Feminine sixth sense is an urban myth. And even though we tend to talk, we don't disclose everything even to our closest friends. And that includes some facts about you, not because we are ashamed of what you are, but because we don't want even our best friends to think anything negative about you.

It is a common conception that girls are nagging and obsessive (I am consciously not using misconception, because that is a special talent of mine too). But as hard as it might be to believe, we like to avoid ugly confrontations too. Therefore we might sometimes be silent or not disagree with something you say, but that doesn’t mean that  we agree with it. (I might colour my hair blonde, but  that doesn’t make me a bimbo..savvy?) And we obsess in the first place, only  because we care, we don’t do that to every guy in the street, we irritate you because you are SPECIAL.

A girl often takes a long time to say “ I Love You”. It is not because she doesn’t want to, but because she wants to mean it when she says it.  And she is always worried that when she says that she misses you, you might laugh at her or think that she is being silly. No self-respecting girl will ever make out with or sleep with a guy she does not love. Her doing that has nothing to do with what a stud you are (Well, ofcourse you could be, only that is not her criteria), it has completely to do with how she feels about you.

We don’t tell you many things, many,many things, simply because we are worried that you might make fun of us or something which might actually be important and so beyond funny to us. While we enjoy humor, we don’t appreciate it being at the cost of a serious matter or our family members (whether it be our age old grandfather or crackpot cousin. We might let it go sometimes, but not always).

We don’t expect you to remember every month anniversaries or stupid events like first touch day etc, because we know that you don’t do things like that (In my case, because I don’t care much for them). But sometimes it is nice to be wished at odd things like this, it makes us feel cherished.( And we pretend that we don’t remember such dates, but we actually do, sometimes we feel so bad that you don’t remember these things, so we don’t remind you).  And surprises…WE LOVE SURPRISES…And I’m not talking about grand gestures, a surprise visit, a love message, a little card…that sort of thing. And please don’t ever forget our birthday,  that will break our heart.

This might come as a surprise to many, but girls think, about many things other than make up and the clothes en mode. Even the most cynical girls think  about marriage and kids and long term stuff like that (and this, just after they ’ve started going out. When in love…well…do I even need to say???) Even the coolest of girls worry about how serious her guy is about her. Yes, we are such dreamy creatures who ultimately want to settle down and raise a family, no matter how career-oriented or ambitious we are.  And no, we do not appreciate you flirting with other girls. Drooling, we might tolerate, but in- our- face flirting...no, no and NO. You might say, "so what, you go flirt with other guys, we don’t care”. But the fact is, we don’t want to. And we want you to care. And please don’t insult our intelligence by lying to us. We almost always know when you lie. But we let it go, because we feel sad that you don’t trust us enough to tell us the truth.

Okay, I guess this much gyaan is enough for the moment. I’m definitely getting tired writing, so I can imagine your condition reading. I’ll sign off saying that, I’m not justifying things that girls do through this post. We are far from being perfect. I for one, give my wonderful boyfriend pretty tough times through my very many faults. These are just some common facts which is true about almost every girl. If it facilitates anyone’s understanding their girlfriend better, I’ll be very glad.