I broke away from the crowd

To tread my paths alone,

To walk with steady steps

Towards that unknown goal I was seeking.

There was a fire in my head,

An all consuming fire,

That raged on and on

And would rage,on and on

Till I reached there, where I was going.

My legs took me places,

I walked on and on,on and on...

Till the end of the world..

I still wasn't happy,

For I hadn't found that

What I'd come for.

I walked into a meadow

Filled with yellow flowers

Which bloomed at my touch

And gave out a radiance

That surpassed all else.

They led me to a stream

Whose water bubbled a song,

That calmed my soul.

I peered into the water

To see myself staring back at me...

And all was well in the world again...

I resumed my walk

With a calm mind,

For I'd found

What I'd been seeking for long;

I'd found myself.....

There is something to be said about having a steaming cup of tea and staring out into the rain, being at leisure,being on your own.... It is an amazing feeling. As I listen to the rain pelting on the weird tin-tile roofing of my building, I experience a rare innate calm. It feels as if the cold air that brushes my face doesn't just do that,it freshens my mind,my spirit...the me inside me, making me take the plunge into self-reflection.

I think back to the girl I was a year ago, I feel a sense of detachment. I can remember her as if it were someone else. I remember her small joys,favourite things,places,people,her qualms,her fears,her idiocies,... I can critically analyse her way of life...It feels as if she and I are two very different people. I find her thoughts and talks silly, her fears baseless,I magnify her mistakes many fold in my mind...I'm not sure I even like her that much!!! Is this what is meant by growing up??

I have changed,a lot, I know I have. Not just my likes and dislikes, joys and fears, but my whole perspective of life, my whole way of looking at things has changed. It isn't something that happened overnight. It is something that happened over time, over a very very long year at the threshold of which time seems to have stood still...

I am surprised at what has changed in me.I think back to certain things,certain days,certain events, and it is with wonder that I realise that I lived through all that, that I have sailed through those turbulent waters slowly,but steadily and is still hopeful of finding a shore. I still cannot figure out where I found the courage to do that, but I am happy that I did. It is with wonder that I realise that I have matured, grown up and that I am capable of LIVING,for it is true, that death is easy, and living is hard, that it doesn't pain half as much to die, than it does, to live.

I agree totally with Arshi (from You are here,Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan), when she says "life fucks you up exactly when you think you have everything sorted out". I mean, why does it have to be like that all the time...why does something or the other always go wrong in our lives...why...why...???

Well, I don't deny that I do enjoy life as it is, and a tame life would be highly boring and unwelcome. But sometimes,atleast sometimes I would like to have a life without any surprises or hitches,you know,like normal, peaceful,contented life.

I am not in a weird mood and I have no idea why I'm going all philosophical right now. I guess studies has that effect on me. I have a whole month of examinations staring me in the face, starting from May 12th and going on till June 11th. Plus the dissertation worries. I hate programming, and the original work in my research paper is TOTALLY to do with it :(. This is another thing that happens to me, always, I repeat always, academically, I get stuck with the topic I hate the most in doing my projects and stuff like that. The same happened in my undergrad. I absolutely HATE optics, and my final year project was on optics...Talk about hard luck huh!!!

Which brings me back to my pet topic, the "I hate studies" one. I have been good at it all my life due to some glitch God planted in my brain, but I've always, always hated studying. Don't tell me that everyone does, because I HAVE met some really weird people who actually ENJOY studying,can you believe??? I've always needed some nagging to get started and then to go on and some more..lol.. So now, when I have absolute freedom to do as I wish, I am dutifully neglecting them and whiling away time doing nothing. I know that is nothing to be proud of and believe me, I've been trying to rectify it, by normalising my schedule and going off the internet etc etc, but not been having much luck with it,some habits do die hard,I guess...Any tips anyone???

Life was so simple when I was a child,

All I had to do was homework and classwork

And study a little,a couple of hours,

Then I had all the time to play and have fun.

I didn't have to worry about lying boyfriends,

I didn't have to worry about upsetting people,

I didn't have to worry about giving "wrong signals"

All I had to do, was go with the flow.

I miss those days,of sparkling innocence,

When a boy's smile didn't mean the world to me,

When the hardest decision was choosing some colour

When a thousand thoughts didn't haunt me like ghosts,

Forcing me to pick and choose and decide...and whatnot!!!

I miss those carefree days of joy,

When 'prick' still meant what a needle did to you,

Most of all, I miss being me,

I miss not having to please people all the time.

P.S I'm not even sure if this is a poem. Just some random thoughts which make absolutely no sense! ;)

As the sun shines,

As the wind chimes,

As the birds start chirping in joy,

I see my life,in a whole new light..

I see the onset of spring.

The day dawns bright

The night sails light

Nightmares mar my sleep no more;

I start loving life all the more.

Those cherished moments bygone,

I've kept them safe in my memory box,

To thumb through them in odd moments,

To relive those times,

In the spaces of my heart.

I shan't weep in despair

In the outset of those memoirs;

I shan't lose my mind

In the fall of darkness...

I shan't, I shan't....

For I've found myself once again;

For I've started living again.

It has been an awesome Holi this year... Holi in London!!!

We had a small scale celebration in the student housing, you know, just a few friends sort of thing. It was huuuge fun :). Some of our friends got up early and went to east London( the desi area basically) to get Gulaal. We were all to assemble in the Common Room and then start lol. One guy had even made water balloons and brought a large water bottle to stand in for a Pichkari !!!!! It was really really really niceeee!!!! Had lots of fun today, throwing gulaal and water and balloons and just running about lol ;).

Oh and did I mention, the moving in thing with my friends, that has fallen right through. Some misunderstandings and ego problems,issues like that. Incidentally I did face some problem with residential people with regard to that since they had already found me a replacement and then they had to find her a place as well etc etc etc... Well, All is well that ends well... So I am back in my room, well, atleast till the end of April when our contract ends.

Well, ya that's all. I need to read 6 papers for a discussion with my project guide tomorrow!!!! :( I am a lazy lazy creature who has been neglecting her work!!! LOL, so what else is new???!!!

It is 6 months today to the day you have been buried. 6 months!!!!! They have passed in the blink of an eye!! Suddenly it struck me today, that it has been 6 months... 6 months!!!!

Not a very easy half year, but I have survived. I know you'll be proud of me. Of course there have been some whining-crying times...but...utna to banta hai right???

I guess anybody who reads this blog must have gotten bored with me writing about you all the time. I don't know, I think of a new topic to write, and that is you, I think again and there you are again!! All of a sudden, my life is all about you (Well, I guess it always was, I just didn't realise it then).

People keep telling me, that I have to move on. I have to start thinking about new things,new people and stop thinking about you so much. But... how is that possible??? You have been the main presence in my life for atleast 6 years... and am just 21, so they have been my formative years right..How can I stop thinking about someone who was vital in my life in the most important years of my life??

But now it is not so bad,you know. I don't always get that feeling of absolute loss when I see your picture or think about you. I even talk to you sometimes, very normally. And I don't cry very easily when some random thought of yours comes to mind. I'm coping, aren't I?

But then all of a sudden, it strikes me that it has been only 6 months, a very difficult 6 months, in fact the horriblest 6 months I have known in my short life... and I have an eternity in front of me without you; a whole life,years and years..... I dunno, nothing was written in stone,but I sort of had this feeling that you will always be there,you know, just being there for me, as you have always been. Or rather this possibility had never occurred to me that one day, I might have to face life, face the world without you at my side...

My grief knows no limits,

My tears flow unhindered,

For it is about you,

It has always been about you.

A hollowed feeling gnaws my heart

A feeling that I'm alone in this world...

It might be my mistake,

It might be just a feeling;

For it is my sun who has set...

For it is my life which has lost horizons...