I don't believe in jinxes and that sort of stuff, never have, don't think ever will. I have always thought that stuff like talking too much and too early about things, being too happy about things actually rob you off them...etc too old house-wifey talk, just coined up by people who have nothing better to do with their lives.

This is not the first time it has happened to me. In fact,this has always happened to me, as long as I can remember. Whenever I am happy, as in really really happy (whether or not without for a reason), something or the other always happens to put me off. Well, part of it must be my own fault, since I do take offense at small things (if it is by special people only... anyway). What hurts the most is when you realise that the other person doesn't even care about the fact that you are feeling so miserable. So, the bottomline is, I end up feeling sad and mad and stupid and silly, which I very well might be...still.

I am a fool in love. When I'm in a relationship, I want the full attention of that person. I CANNOT and WILLNOT settle for cursory glances and doing something else while talking to me etc.I am the first one to advocate that being with someone doesn't mean you don't have time for your friends. But hey, it doesnot mean that you have time ONLY for your friends.I mean, I'm a part of your life too, treat me as such...not like some place you go to when you have nothing better to do... I'm not big on endearments either, I'd rather that person didn't call me "darling" or "sweetheart" twenty times in an hour. But I DEMAND full attention. If you'd rather be some place else than be with me or talking to me, then be there, just don't keep me hanging. I've never done that. When I don't like someone who's been hitting on me, I always say "sorry" and look the other way. Then why the hell is this happening to me?

I've never been ignored EVER by anyone I specially care about (others can go to hell ). Attention has never been something I've ever asked for...but I've never lacked it either...Sometimes it has been unwanted,but I've always had it...from my friends,family,old boyfriends...everyone I've come into contact with basically...So this want for it is something new...and I'm hating it.

I've always been told, and I know this myself...You can't have everything...no one can... still I want everything...That is EXACTLY why I call myself stupid...

I don't know who this poem is by, a friend sent it to me and I wanted to share it. It's beautiful...

Over mountains, over trees
Over oceans, over seas
Across the deserts
I'll be there

In a whisper on the wind
On the smile of a new friend
Just think of me
And I'll be there

Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight to be with you
'Cause I'm on your side, and I still care
I may have died, but I've gone nowhere

Just think of me, and I'll be there

On the edge of a waking dream
Over rivers, over streams
Through wind and rain
I'll be there

Across the wide and open sky
Thousands of miles I'd fly
To be with you
I'll be there

An appeal to everyone: please ignore my previous post, I liked it, so don't want to delete it...but it no longer holds valid. I guess it was wishful thinking at the least and wild hallucination at the most...I guess most of us have been there, done that... Wanting to believe something which really isn't true...So please just dismiss it as the foolishness of a 21 year old...

I'm good at handing out advice to one and all..I think it is time I took my own advice and stay away from inter gender socialization...It is too damn painful to be taken lightly...

When you feel hurt, you need to remember that it is you who is hurting yourself and nobody else. You are the only person who has the power to do that. You let your guard down when you do stupid things like loving someone, expecting something of someone. Then you put your heart into someone else's hands for them to do as they please. You lose control of your life,your emotions and you end up as a mess. That, is exactly what I don't need. That, is exactly what I'm not going to do anymore. This is me, taking back control of myself,my life...

Well, I'm not feeling much better after this rant. Still, I'll say this much more...I knew there was a reason I hated "people" as a species...

I'm in the sea of bliss,with

Happy thoughts floating around me

All anxieties,sadness and wistfulness

As far from me as possible.

I'm swimming about,

In the wonderful sea of love,

With my lover's arms around me

His being with me against all odds

His love glowing in my heart

Like an eternal candle...

I have all I could ever wish for...

Isn't this what dreams are made of???

I hate noise

I hate the sounds I hear

Crowding me out till

I can no longer

Hear the voices in my head.

They dwarf me out till

I no longer exist;

Till I hide in dark shadows

And try not to exist.

They scare me,

Disturb me,

Make me want to stop breathing

Just to stop hearing.

Hey, I am not completely dead. I haven't been blogging for a looong looong time because of my increasing paranoia of exams. Well, it sooo doesn't mean that I've been studying day and night, it just means that I've been refraining (or trying to refrain) from entertainment (of all sorts except daydreaming;) ). Even though my studies haven't been going all that good, I've been exhibiting a calm and cool exterior which "lies through the teeth"(well, just an expression) about my sweaty,clammy,interior where my blood pressure has, am sure, shot up to kingdom came ;).So I am back, to entertainment country... ;)

I saw this movie "It's a Wonderful Afterlife" by Gurinder Chaddha. It was such an awesome stressbuster.... It was funny,witty,corny.....to sum it up, totally worth it (Well, we'd gotten an offer ticket from Uni, so it just cost us a pound ;)). Superb entertainment capsuled in 100 minutes...

I'm just back from a revision lecture, waiting for the next one,which is due at 6:30, whiling away time,not studying like I should be doing and watching Sex and the city (again). I dunno why people didn't like it as much as the series, I absolutely LOVED it...Well, maybe because I had a group like that in school,who knew (and still knows) each other's secrets to the letter and keep them from all prying eyes forever ( my five greatest friends I miss BADLY). And so, here I am, watching it for the 100th time, and thinking about Carrie's fourth book idea for the 100th time... What happens when you have found your love???

Whenever I read a book, or see a movie, the part that troubles me the most is never the turbulent lives of the protagonists...it is always the "happily ever after". It has always been like that, I've always had trouble picturing that part, especially because no one ever went on to explain it. Even when you are a kid, all your bedtime stories end with the prince and the princess (or Mary and the lamb or whoever) living happily ever after. I've always been like, then what..?? What happens after they start their lives...do they fight,have kids, get a divorce????

Weird huh??? LOL

Whenever I'm in a relationship and everything is going all nice and cute and dreamy, and if something so much as start looking SERIOUS, these RED panic alarms go off in my head, making more noise than a fire truck in a traffic jam!!! I'm like "Oh MY God, What if 'this' goes wrong, what if 'that' happens, blah blah blah.... which ultimately results in me trying all I can to get out of it!!! Well, that has happened a couple of times... and I've dated only three guys so far...so..do the math!!!

I used to just classify myself as a committment-phobic and be done with it... But I think what I'm really worried about is that whether I will EVER get that happily-ever-after...whether I'll ever find THE RIGHT GUY...whether I'll EVER be so lucky......... As my friend says, "Honey, for that there needs to be a guy in the first place,and then comes everything else". Now, there IS a guy, my alarm bells are ALREADY ringing (and which I'm ignoring)..... I just want to take things as they come, one day at a time....even I might get LUCKY someday!!!

PS: I'm not looking for a Prince, for then I'll have to kiss a TOAD (or FROG or whatever) and personally, I don't fancy them much,even if they turn into the most delectable creatures ........LOL ;)

I see the rain through the windows...but it seems as if I'm watching it through a two-way mirror...it seems as if it is raining within me...

Grey clouds are moving up the horizon with the promise of more rain. I sit here and watch my sunny day turn into a premature night. This is not my kind of rain, it makes me depressed and pensive,unlike the beautiful ones back home.

I've been feeling quite restless lately. I've been wanting to talk to you badly. I've been resisting the urge to write about you for more than a month now...I just can't seem to be able to help myself. I just can't stop writing over and over again and again about you... I just CAN'T seem to emphasise the point enough that I still am as much in love with you as I ever was...

It doesn't seem fair, does it,for me (or anyone else for that matter), to lose someone so central to their life...But then life is not supposed to be fair right..!!! That's the whole beauty of life :-/...

You were my best friend, my guide, the person I wanted to tell everything first, the person whom I used to run to with all my problems, the person who knew me inside out, perhaps better than even I knew myself...the one person I was completely sure would never judge me on my many poor decisions or actions...You were my Knight in shining armour...You were all that, and more...You were the SUN around which my life could orbit forever and ever...

You are the only man who has ever had my heart..and it is yours to keep..in this lifetime and the billion others to come...Till we meet again...