I love you...

I love you....

It is often very difficult for me to say these words. But it doesn't mean that I love you any less. I love you as much as any human being could love another. I love you so much that it causes me real physical pain to be away from you. My tone might be blunt. I might not be very vocal either. But I love you with a desperation that scares me to death.

I have many flaws. I never have been perfect, and never will be. I don't want you to be with me, just because you are. I want you to be with me because you want to be. 

I know love is not to be bartered. Therefore I don't expect you to love me the way I do. I fear much...hope much...dream much...get hurt much...I only want to know if you'll be there to pick up the pieces when I get my spirit broken...again.

It is almost time to go back home, to be exact just 10 weeks more.....For whatever reason, the question that echoes in my mind is what would my life be like if I hadn't come to London for masters... At a glance the answer seems to be simple to me... If I hadn't come to London, I'd have completed the first year of Masters in Physics at some university in India. On the plus side, I'd have been closer to home, would probably be with some or the other of my close friends...be in a more familiar setting. On the other hand, I wouldn't have met a lot of truly wonderful people if I hadn't come to London, people who actually made being away from home easier, more bearable.

It was my choice to come here for post graduation,exactly like it was my choice to take a science graduation while everyone around me was choosing engineering or medicine, and it was my choice to go to Pune to pursue it, in a state whose customs,culture and even language was alien. These are just some very superficial examples. There are many things I have regretted in the past, and I still do. But looking back, I see that they were all really results of some choices I made. I have ended up hurting people and I regret that. But sometimes that was inevitable to something very vital to me. That sounds downright selfish, even to me. But that is what I did. I feel that what I did was what I had to do, because life is all about choices.

That is not some notion I have coined up myself. That is a piece of idle talk from one of my cousins which has stuck to my mind all these years. That itself is quite surprising because we don't really see eye to eye in most things. I remember this bit, probably because his own life is an illustration of how anyone's life can take a wholly new path owing to certain choices.

My uncle is a business man with five sons. The one in question (let us call him A) is the second. It was always expected that the first two of his sons would succeed my uncle in business, work with him like his two hands etc. It was expected that A will do some graduation, do an MBA and then join the family business like his elder brother did. That was the first notion (in my memory) that he refuted. He chose software engineering, which was fine with everyone, because he was just doing a graduation. Then he got placed in a very reputed firm and he chose to take it. All hell broke loose at home. My uncle was furious. It was unacceptable to him that a son of his wouldn't submit to his will like he did to his father and his eldest son did to him. No number of yellings or reasonings or pleadings had any effect on A. Uncle had to give up eventually. Then, after three years, in an unexpected twist, he quit his job and came into family business. Everyone was happy that the black sheep finally came into his senses and returned to the flock where he belonged. He was there for almost five years, did any number of things with it, started a few establishments of his own (when in his rebel mode), then merged it with his dad's company....so many things like that. Then last year, all of a sudden, he announced that he is going to some Godforsaken corner of Africa to volunteer with the UN peace corps. Everyone was flabbergasted. Even his mental balance was doubted. My uncle raved, auntie shed tears. But being A, he stuck with his choice. And he went to Africa. All through last year he was posted in various corners of Africa, undergoing training, teaching village children, setting up medical camps and so on. He returned to India in January this year when his big brother had a nearly fatal car accident and is planning to go back now that he is more or less fine.

The A I knew growing up was a restless guy , who flitted from thing to thing like a butterfly. He never even stood still for an amount of time, always shifting and all that. Restlessness was something I always associated with A. Even though he was never really mean to anyone, he gave out that aura, the aura of a mean, rich,spoilt brat, which he was, in many ways.Volunteering for world peace is so not something I would associate with that guy. But now I feel as if that A no longer exists. That wiry boy who was forever shifting his weight and fidgeting has transformed into a kind,compassionate,understanding man. And finally, after what seems to be an eternity, he seems to be really happy, content with where he is, what he is doing. I truly believe that A has found his calling in life.

He was never my best friend. In fact I'm not sure I even like him sometimes. Inspite of all our fights, misunderstandings, a thousand arguments...A has earned my respect forever with that one choice he made. Although the nobility of the cause is to be applauded, I admire him more for following his heart, going through hell and back (which I'm sure he must've felt it is, compared to his style of living back home) to keep up with his life choices. His transformation has actually led me to believe that it is all about the choices we make in life...that these choices make us who and what we are.

I didn't sleep a wink yesterday night. So I decided to keep the sleepless marathon on for a whole day so that I can get back to the normal human schedule of day and night. Utilizing all the extra time at hand, I decided to go for a long walk. It was quite nice. It isn't often that I see this part of the day. Oh yes, I'm the kind that can outsleep Rip Van Vinkle ;).

Well, I got to see traffic free (well, atleast for the most part) London streets, janitors clearing the mess on the street, joggers on the canal side (well, they are there at all times, a constant on the London scenery)...I even found a new path to walk by which sort of comes in a full circle if I set out from my Halls of Residence.

I am happy in a weird kind of way today. I've been having problems on the relationship front. I think we have sort of broken up now. But then, I did something totally uncharacteristic of myself. I decided to grow up. I have been thinking, and thinking, and thinking and all of a sudden my eyes opened to the fact that people don't always have to bend over backwards to accomodate my every wish,fulfill my every need. That is what I'm used to, that is the way it has been till now. My family, cousins,friends, ex-boyfriends (well, they have , for most part been quite scared of me, God knows why)...I guess the collective attention of all these people has more or less spoilt me. I'm no princess, so I shouldn't expect to be treated as such. It just is not fair...

So I have made a conscious decision to work on myself in general and the relationship in particular. I am being an adult here ( Well, am still not forgetting it was his fault we fought in the first place) and let the differences rest. I don't care if it doesn't work, but I wouldn't have the regret that I didn't try. I simply wouldn't have failed relationship number 3 without even trying to make it work. :) So...I'm feeling good...Whether it works or not...Well...

I don't consider myself very attached or sentimental or things like that to people and things etc. But there is one place to which I am very attached to, that place is my home. When I'm away, I don't especially miss my parents or relatives, rather I miss the familiar surroundings that spell home.

I have an almost fixed routine when I'm at home. I get up by 7-715, a while after both mom and dad have given up trying to wake me. After brushing and such, I go down to the kitchen and sit on the cooking range,sipping coffee and talking to my mom as she is cooking. Then I sort hang around, going out into the porch,reading paper, watching tv etc, waiting for it to be 8 when my dad,mom and grandfather comes down to breakfast. Then after breakfast everyone leaves for their respective occupations,leaving me at home. I have nothing in particular to do the whole day..so Ido what I'm best at, laze around, watch tv,browse the net, read, sleep etc till 1 till my grandfather comes to have lunch. Then we have lunch together, he goes out again and I try to sleep till 3. That is when the maid comes in. I let her in, make tea for both of us by 4, watch TV till my grandfather returns at 530, followed closely by my dad. Then I make tea for both of them and watch TV till my mom returns by 715.( Oh yeah, there is a ritual of lighting the lamp in the prayer room..about 630). After my mom comes, I make her something to snack and then follow her around while she heats up food and makes some dish for dinner etc. Dinner is served at 830. And everyone,except me is in bed by 10.

This is how a normal day passes by at my home. Everything is so bound by time. That is how my Grandmother set it. And that is what we still follow,even though she is no longer with us.

I miss all that. I miss that routine, of lazing around and doing odd chores...I even miss my nosy and weird neighbours whom I don't even like...I guess you never get used to being away from home, no matter how much you love having your own space,no matter how long you have stayed away from home...you always miss it, no matter how grown up you become...I realise that my home is the only place I've been truly happy...It is my haven where I'm safe from the whole world... Home is the only place where you are always wanted,the place where you always have your place,your room, your special seat...It is the only place you are ever truly at HOME.

I have never felt so alone in my whole life, physically and emotionally. There isn't even anyone on the streets...It feels as if I'm the last person left in the world...

I'd promised myself, that I'll never blog about you any more. I'd decided that I'll put you to rest once and for all. But now I understand that it is a lost cause. You are there in all my thoughts, dreams, memories. I remember you with every breath I take. There was that moment when you were being buried when I tried to visualise the vast life ahead of me, without you. And there is today, when that unpleasant future has become my present.

I've never been able to talk about how I feel about anything to anyone. I used to think that feeling lonely or sad is a sign of weakness. And crying, crying was totally out of question. I thought it was safer to make a shell of cynicism around me and hide in it. It worked with everyone, but you. You peeled away my shell layer by layer and saw me,loved me, respected me, for what and who I really am.

I believe that the biggest tragedy of existence is not being able to express your feelings. That was a particular wall I never came across with you. And that was the best thing about you, I could talk to you, talk to you as I never could with anyone else. We never ran out of topics. And I knew that you understood each and every word, every emotion I embedded in them for what it was, even though we were vastly different.

Ours was the best,purest possible relation, based on mutual love and respect. You were my perfect "other". You were all I could ever wish for, and more. The limited time we had together makes for the happiest memories of my life, which I shall cherish for the rest of my life.

You were always there for me, through every trivial problem, always dependable, always,always there for me. You were my Rock, my PERSON...I feel your absence very dearly now...I wish there was a way you could come back...

My soul mate, my love, my life...I love you and I always will... I miss you more than ever...

Bad bad bad hangover :(((

No no, No no, not from drinks, but from sleep :o . I was having a problem from the lack of it recently and today...it's just the opposite. I Love my life x-(...

I've done nothing productive today. I woke up sort of 8.30 ish to the sounds of my boyfriend leaving. After the byes and stuff, I went to sleep AGAIN and woke up at 3 pm... That's like 12 hours.... My own record... ;) And now I'm miserable. I have a bad headache, cold (which was there anyway), and the eternal feeling of LETHARGY. I've been contemplating a walk since 5.... it's 7.30 and I'm still not feeling up to it...I thought a shower would cure it...but it didn't :(

Just one more exam to go....and then, I'm freeeeee.... Yesterday's was a bitch...I just hope I'll pass(fingers crossed).

I'm just watching sex and the city (the series) AGAIN. I just love it. I'm somewhere in the 4th season now. Oh by the way, I saw the movie, Sex and the city 2...which turned out to be slightly disappointing. I wouldn't say it is downright bad, but I wouldn't swear by it as I do with the first movie and the series. Everyone is looking horrible, horrible clothing and it is a bit dragging. Prince of Persia on the other hand was absolutely amazing. I had my doubts about Jake Gyllenhal, but he turned out to be perfect for the part. I can't say the same about Gemma Atherton, she doesn't look the part of the most beautiful woman in the world..but that's okay, she can act.

Okay that's all... I'm climbing into my cocoon of lethargy yet again...

I'm up very early today. It's just turning 5 in the morning. Morning does come very early these days. It is already lighting up. The cold air pouring in belies the summer month. The first of June...brings home happy memories of this very day just a year before ( Well, June 1st has been a rather special day for years now. To someone I love, it was a day of painful memories, and indirectly, because of the same reason, it has been a favourite of mine. Life definitely is full of ironies). I was happy then, I'm happy now. Life has come a full circle,in just one year.

I have been having trouble sleeping for a few days. I have no idea why. It's been taking a bit of a toll on my health. All the weakness and dizziness I've come to associate with my anaemia meds have become something of a constant for a few days. But all that aside, I'm sort of quietly happy today. A sort of resolute peace has settled in my mind.

All the sleeplessness has left too much time on my hand. So my room is unconventionally clean now. And I changed the alignment of my bed and the writing table, in an attempt to bring some light into the room. It seems to have worked. I like it better this way. Except for a slight change, this was how I found this room when I came here. I moved the furniture about somewhat when I got bored. Now I realise with a pleasant jolt that I liked it better the way it was before. As they say, nothing like change to point you in the right direction.

Everyone is starting to go about their daily businesses after the long bank holiday weekend. I plan to give myself some more time to reminisce and then am going to immerse myself in studies. Two more exams to go, and then I' free... at least for a while.