Buh-bye 2009!!!

Here we are, at the end of another year..an year which gave and took so much..another year added to the archives of life...

I didn’t much like 2009. It was a sort of a horrible year for me altogether. The first half not so much, but from August..Oh Dear God!!!!

The book of losses have been quite heavy for me from August. I lost one of my best friends ever, a teacher, an uncle, 3 other relatives...all in the timespan of 6 months. Basically I haven’t had one scrap of good news from back home since I came to London. My aunt got diagnosed with cancer,my mom’s uncle got alzheimers,there are major ISSUES about various other STUFF in the family etcetera etcetera. For the first time ever in my life I was seriosly pissed off at God for putting me through all this. Till now, I was superbly happy with my life and was sort of THE OPTIMIST,who believed that whatever goes wrong will come right in the end. But that belief has been broken too many times now to be mended ever again. I haven’t still forgiven him,rather I’ve made a pact sort of, if he rectifies something,I will probably forgive him. And of lately I get this weird feeling that he’s actually trying hard to make it up to me.Hhmm...let’s see...

On the other hand, I graduated from college, Came over to London for my postgrads, met a lot of wonderful people,saw a lot of places, had a lot of fun.

So altogether this is one year I am too happy to see the back of.

Goodbye 2009, and I hope we never meet again.

P S: I now it sort of sounds like a lot of rushed rubbish, but I so wanted to write this, but I started to feel restless once I started so I just ranted on and on. Sorry...u so don’t have to read this ;)

In Memoriam-M-Part 1

I wanna write about this friend of mine,whom I shall refer to as M, whom I've lost forever,who,as I know,is never ever coming back....

I met M in Mumbai, some 4 years ago,for the first time. I'd gone for a friend's wedding (rather my cousin's friend's wedding). I didn't like this guy at all. He reminded me too much of one of my best friends' brother whom I detested,snobbish and controlling and all that. Then a few months later,he added me on some messenger. We got talking and all that..I found him quite different from what I thought he was at first.

It was a process that happened over time..we became really really really good friends...He was much older than me,so that respect factor was always there. He was my "person" ,an almighty,omnipresent sort of figure in my life. A friend whom I could call upon at any time,any day with any bloody problem at all...He was a great counselor to me..ready with solutions to all my trivial problems,offering me advice,consolation..as the situation required.

I am feeling miserable,sad etc..I have no idea why...Well,it has to be a combination of many many reasons rather than just one.

It has been too long since I heard some good news from back home. The most recent ones were one of my teachers from school passing away and my aunt being diagnosed with cancer.

I don't know how to deal with all this emotional atmosphere,well, I've never been good at that. I'm tired,as in exhausted,drained..mentally,emotionally..etc etc. I don't know what to do about it,so I'm just sitting here wondering about how unfair life is (It is an old cliche but I just can't get it out of my head), etc etc etc. I don't understand the logic behind people dying so bloody young..I mean 32-33 is like, the peak of your life,rather,you have just started living.....It is so not fair....

Okay,I should probably stop this now.. I just needed some catharsis..But this definitely is not helping...

I've been toooo lazy for words to write anything,rather do anything at all other than the most urgent things (like assignments etc etc lol).

Nothing much has been happening here btw. (Well,except the events am gonna list below lol lol).

The cold is slowly becoming unbearable,which is allright because I don't go out all that much except for class twice a week,tution class once a week and an occasional outing or shopping trip :D. There is rain to top which I actually like (that is, when I'm indoors ;)),but it is tooo much bother when you have to carry an umbrella and a polythene to put it and all that.

There was a bollywood party earlier this week, which was lousy because of the music and the delay in starting,but was nice because there were a lot of people I knew and we had a lot of fun :D.

We went on a day trip to Oxford, Stonehenge and Windsor yesterday. Windsor castle is the official home of the Queen (she just stays there for the weekend though, and she wasn't there yday neway..which was too bad since I was looking forward to having lunch with her lol lol ). The castle is huge..and very beautiful. We just got an hour there because of some confusion as to who had paid and who hadn't etc etc which is so not ample time to see it all. We actually missed out on the doll house which is supposed to be really nice because of this. too bad :(. Stone henge was sooo cold. That was one place I was soo looking forward to because of the obvious reasons (which are that I've seen loads of pics,heard lots about it,the astronomical implications etc etc). It was raining so heavily and very cold since it is an open place without any buildings to neutralise. But it was worth it, I went all around it in the rain,looking like an eskimo in my coat and hat lol lol. Oxford...hmmm..again,horribly cold and rainy. My parents when they had visited in September told me that it is warmer than London,but ofcourse it wasn't when I went there hmhm. We just roamed about, saw christ church, a few colleges (lincoln college,university college),did some window shopping and souvenir shopping etc. Apparently the University of Oxford doesn't have a main uni campus,it is spread all over the city and the weather didn't exactly allow us to walk that much..so...another time perhaps..hhmm..

And now..I have contracted the 'horriblest' ailment in the world "common cold". I am in a bad mood, and have to write a report of 3000 words for thursday :(((

We went to this not-so-happening party yesterday..hm..no ,the day before yesterday (coz its abt 6 am here on 24th oct) around here. It was mainly full of undergrads,so we, the 'older' and wiser postgraduates were still deliberating whether or not to go in till 1050 pm (the entry closes at 11).Then we were like wtf,we came to have fun,lets just bloody have it. It was sort of fun. We danced like mad all night,they played even punjabi song. Some not-so-sober people tried to spoil it for us,but anyway we sorta stuck together and had our share. The strange thing was that the guys who were drunk were acting stone sober and the one guy who was sober was acting like a saala sharabi lol. He was singing pyar mein pagal type old hindi songs all the way back (at 2 am and in London lol).

Today's party plan turned out to be a fiasco..Three of us had gone,two of us (including me) didnt have an age proof,so we weren't allowed in. Unfortunately our college ID doesn't show our DOB. Sad,na..we just came back after strolling through Central London. I had gone with my hair done and all that,that's a highly unusual occurrence lol.

Then...my best friend is coming to visit me tomorrow...I will be seeing her after 2 years...am soooo excited that I can't sleep....:D

Belated Happy Diwali...!!!

We went to this Swaminarayan temple at Neasden yesterday. The temple is pretty and all that,people who actually know about it said that it is like the one in Akshardham . Then I was like..Oh..I know that one,some terrorist attck happened there,right??? Everyone was looking at me like I am the ultimate Gawar lol. That is how pious I am..and seriously, I don't get the concept of the ultimate God and all other deities being his incarnations and all that. I mean,it is okay for the people who actually believe in all that,but just don't try to convince me!!! Well,there were fireworks too,they were pretty much ok-ok type,nothing to write home about. the whole thing was fun just because we went in a big group and all of us are like regular,fun-loving people.

This friday night, I got really really drunk for the first time ever..It was sort of a Friday night party. The guys had bought wine and gin and beer.( I don't like the taste of beer so I don't look that way twice). I had wine....and lots of it,like 7 glasses (:D) and 3 glasses of Gin. Well,the bottomline is, I have decided not to mix and drink ever again. I didn't puke or anything,but was in such a bad condition that my friends had to take me to my room,I couldn't walk at all. Actually everyone was pretty drunk so it was more like the case of the blind leading the deaf lol.

Well,I didn't get much of a hangover either. I got up at like 10 and I was fine,only I wasn't able to eat anything for a longgg time even though I was starving!!!

Doodling....Doodling....Doodling........
Attention drifts...(not having stayed in the lecture even for 5 mins)..Mind goes back and forth...back and forth...And also..in all directions (lol)

This is what happens to me in Research methods lecture. The Professor is quite good. He is funny,friendly,and would've been pretty great in any other topic.He's totally wasted on this though.It is such a horrible,super-dry topic.

We had to hand in some research report today (which is the only reason I went there,since he had made clear in the first lecture itself that attendance was strictly voluntary ),on some journal we'd supposedly read during the week. I finished it yesterday. I really can't work without a deadline to my head,I'm so bloody lazy.

This weekend is dedicated to Diwali. I guess we are going to some temple someplace,like 3 hours or so journey from here. I might wear a saree (which is highly unlikely,but I might give in to peer pressure. Honestly I can't travel in that,definitely not in this cold). Fireworks at night and all that. Should be fun,with such a lot of people.

My weekend starts tonight. Thursday is my favorite day of the week now,lol.

I have 1 more hour of this lecture to endure...sigh....deep breathing...snore... :D

P.S: I wrote this in the lecture and am publishing it at 330 am lol..

Another week begins...sigh!!!!

My week begins on Tuesday because that is the day when my classes start. Btw I have classes only 2 days,Tue and Thurs,that too in the evening :). Too good,na?? Ideal mahoul to get lazy lol,not that I need any reason for that.

So my weekend is extra long,it starts on Thursday night and lasts till Monday evening. I reserve Tue morning for looking through my notes and stuff so I don't look totally lost during my lecture ;). Wednesday evening I sorta give private tuition for a GCSE kid,yes me,the teacher lol ;).

I did some shopping this weekend. Bought a camel coloured leather jacket which is amaaaaazing-looking ( I can't say anything about the quality since I bought it from Primark,sort of a British Big Bazaar,but it looks truly awesome). My friend saw it first and had set her heart on it,but I took it ;)..I sort of had a black one already and it looked sooo smart that I had to take it...kinda broke her heart..(well,I was open to us walking about,looking like twins wearing the same jacket,only she wasn't too keen about it. She prob gave in coz I am lak really young to her). And I bought another great pair of boots with a tiny teeny heel...Black this time..am gonna start breaking it in today..That means sore foot and salt water dip in the evening lol.

On an average I see 2 movies per day nowadays. Am sort of becoming useless owing to the weird timings of classes,and insomniac too. I can't sleep till 4 or so in the morning and I get up at something like 9. The air of London is sure tampering with my biological clock!!!!

PS: Did I mention,we have a really cool group in the student housing...:D

Note: This is born out of my boredom. You don't have to read this.

1) My parents left this saturday..That feels good and bad at once...I feel a li'l alone,but its okayy,not too bad..

2) There was this Diwali party at Trafalgar square gone sunday. I went with friends from the student housing.Lots of Indians here. It was funnn.. We did Garba n all..:D.N I rode the bus in London for the first time. Well,I hate buses as a rule,so hopefully won't need to use them from now on..lol

3)I miss Paulettan quite a bit...I remember how excited he was when I told that I'd gotten through here. I hate not being able to fill him in of all that has beeen going on around here. I miss his silly jokes, his booming laugh and more than everything else,the warmth of his presence...I believe he is watching over me from wherever he is...

4)I'm mostly suffering from a constant lethargy over here. Don't feel like doing anything besides sleeping n watching movies. Maybe it is the weather...maybe I'm just getting lazyy..(so what else is new..)..hope it doesn't last too long..

Its one of the rare moments when the net connection in my room is working..sigh!! I was sooo happy yesterday that it was working in the evening and then...wham!! its off again.. So there's no saying whether I'll get to post this or not,but still....

Statutory warning: This post's bound to be pretty long. so you may start yawning already..lol

About the boat trip....The boat trip: Our uni had organised this boat trip through the Thames for the International students as part of the Welcome programme. It was soooooo amazing..It was very very very cold..the type that chills through to your bones...but it was amaaazing...We boarded the boat from Tower Pier,you know the place where the Tower of London is (which houses the crown jewels,including our own Kohinoor). There were like, I dunw some 100-120 ppl,Indians,Pakistanis,Bangladeshis,Chinese....It was really really really greatt!!It was very very cold,with the normal chilly weather here and the draft from the Thames...But I got to meet looaads of ppl,see looots of places...We saw the London bridge,Tower bridge,Westminster Abbey,British Moveum,London Eye,Big Ben,The monument..........It was kinda guuuddd funnn....

The bus trip was nothing grt,nuthing to write home about. We were expecting an open top hop-n-jump bus,but what we got was a regular boarded up coach,and a guide who kept talking n talking n talking..n what was worse was that we were just shown all the great places just from the outside,you know..See, over there is the King's Cross station,That is the baker Street ..that sorta thing...quite boring.The only place where we were let out was the Buckingham palace. We saw the queen's guards with their weird hats standing like statues and their elaborate salutes and all. We couldn't see the change of guard as it happens in the morning and we went in the afternoon. There are supposedly 5 types of Queens' guards- the brigadier guards,scottish guards,welsh guards,irish guards n one other kind whose name sorta escaped( could be english though lol). They have to stand still on end for like 2 hours and then they are given 4 hours break,nice,eh??

Well I did explore some of the London city,by myself,with my parents and with friends. My parents went to the Madame Tussaud's Museum and the Baker Street,the lair of Sherlock Holmes. I missed out on those two which were the ones I badly wanted to see coz of some enrolment stuff in my college. Well I have 1 year over here,I'll find time someday :). Well those places sound and seem pretty terrific,I'll just have to go and see.

The Hyde Park is toooooo long for my taste. All things inside that were miles apart. There is the Princess Diana memorial fountain,the Kensington palace gardens,Serpentine bridge,Queen's temple,Flower walk,Peter Pan and some boating inside in the lake. The Diana memorial Fountain was a bit of a disappointment. Since we had walked in from the side of the park near the Duke of Wellington Arch, we had to practically walk till the far end of it to reach the fountain,n when we finally reached it...It was just some body with water running around a lawn,it is supposed to reflect her life or something like that..hhmm!!!

Now comes my favourite,the visit to the London Eye. It is a giant ferris wheel with each enclosure holding upto 20 ppl and they take you around just once,very slowly so you can enjoy the city view from the skyline;),n the tickets are sort of expensive too 17.50 pounds per adult andthere's no concession for students;(. It was wonderfulll...especially because we went in the evening. To see the Westminster abbey and the Big ben and the Tower Bridge and the St.paul's Church lit up from above was a greatt experience. You can't possibly distinguish between the different buildings and all in the dark all that well,but the view is pretty terrific all the same.I probably am not doing much justice to it ,describing it this way,you have too see it to know it,or atleast see a picture.:)

My mom's favourite was probably our visit to Stratford Upon Avon,the birthplace of The Bard,William Shakespeare. It is about 3 hours drive from the main city of London. Seeing the English Countryside of which we've read a lot through Famous Five and Five Findouters and all was thoroughly invigorating. Stratford upon Avon is a small town,whose only claim to fame is the fact that Will Shakespeare was born there some 400 years ago. We went during the weekend,so the roads were all blocked and some sort of farm fair was going on,the kind where you get to buy goat's milk cheese and cured ham and bacon n stuff. There is a combo pass you can buy which covers Shakespeare's houses and gardes,ie,the house where he was born,his wife Anne Hathaway's house,The New Place and Nash's house(the new house Shakespeare bought which was demolished and his granddaughter's place next door),Hall's Croft(Shakespeare's daughter and son-in-laws' house),and Mary Arden's(Shakespeare's mother) house. Anne Hathaway's cottage and Mary Arden's house were slightly out of town,and we had to be back the same day so we visited the Shakespeare found Exhibition and Shakespeare's grave instead(Btw the tickets are valid for a whole year so I can go back any time during the year and see them again).

Maintenance of all these places is pretty amazing. The furniture and the walls and the floor all have been maintained and some been fabricated to obtain authenticity as far as possible. It was an amazing feeling thinking that probably you are tracing the steps The Bard walked some 4 centuries ago.....His grave is in a Church nearby called the Holy Trinity Church,surrounded by the graves of his wife,daughter and son-in-law,and granddaughter's husband.

No adventures today,the tube's down,lots of repairing work going on..n am taking a break from all the travelling. My classes are gonna start on the day after...:)

Well,....so...Am in London. Reached a couple of days ago.. Been having welcome programmes and local tours and seminars about every other way of adjusting to a different culture etcetera etcetera.... Oh and there is some issue with the internet connection in my students housing. The connection is 'sporadic' it seems. So am relying on the student computer room at coll to type this :). Its not too bad btw.

About my college.. It is called Queen Mary,University of London. I've heard its quite gud. The infrastructure is sorta great..N my housing's nice too. Its called Stocks Court n is some 5 min walk from the campus. I had some prob initially to find my way around the campus,but now am getting better at it. :). There are some pretty cool hangouts inside.. I haven't seen the library yet. where,I've been told that I will have to actually spend loaaadss of time unlike in our place lol.Also I've not met a single person from my course of study..I've been meeting lots of Indians all over the place though. But I've been told (well,warned is more like it i ges) that I shudn't just stick with the Indians all the time by one of my best friends :).

The main thing these ppl keep telling us over and over again and again in the workshops is that u shud b careful with ur money n belongings ,u shud never take a route through aany secluded area after dark n sooo on..The way they had been carrying on about it,it sounds like the crime capital of the world. Well,I know it is better to be safe than sorry and all that..but still I can't help feeling thatthese ppl are tooooo cautious as a race.

I have this boat trip through the Thames scheduled later this evening and a London Bus Tour on Thursday..Am excitedd...:D.

PS: The weather s sorta nice,cool,ooty type lol. :)

When my heart weeps,

There are no tears

It still beats on naturally

As if everything were allright.

When all is done and forgotten,

Those unshed tears keep burning

Like an oil wick

Which has spent all its oil.

I can't sleep,I can't close my eyes,

For when it does,

Those images keep playing

On and on,on and on

Inside my eyes...

The last moments of your life,

I go back to,that bloody black night

When you took your last breath...

Why,oh,why did it have to happen to You??

Why were you deprived the chance

To live the life you so loved??

Why did you have to

Endure so much pain??

Why..why....???

I wish it were some really bad dream,

I wish it had never happened,

I wish you never left that night,

I wish.....

I wish you were here with me.....

I feel like writing something..but again,as it has been for sometime now, I don't know what to write etc. So on rambling mode.

My pc is sorta dead;I think its mother board crashed again..or its some prob with its power supply sustenance. So am left to type n check mail n browse on my lappy which I hate for several reasons. One,it seems to have some weird problem which keeps the cursor skipping or going back to some previous line in between a sentence or a word.So I have to actually pay attention while typing. Two, the net line is quite short n I can't really drag it too far,so am left sitting in a half crunch half squat sorta position.Third,as far as I'm concerned,laptops are for watching movies n reading books aaram se..not for browsing lol.

The date for my driving test is nearing,I've been going for sometime now to take H n 8 n every other alphabet. There's a cemetery enroute to the driving ground .Well,that's a route I've been told explicitly by my folks not to go by,but my funda is that u have nuthing to be scared of from dead people.U r much better off being scared of living ones. I believe once someone is dead, he or she stops loving n hating anyone n everyone. They are free from the 5 elements,the six sins etc. I don't believe in people coming back as ghosts to take revenge and all. Ya well, so I've been walking through that route for quite sometime (even before actually),and on the o uter walls of the cemetery they've written certain verses from the bible.I've read them many times but today one of them just seemed to touch my heart somewhere all of a sudden.It is one of John's ,11:25 -"I am the resurrection and the life: he that believeth in me,though he were dead,yet shall he live".

Well,that's it.

I don't know what to say..what to write..4 days have passed in a trance...


It was from a phone call on the wee hours of saturday the 22nd of August that I came to know about the murder of Paul Muthoot. The horror that news brought was enormous. Apart from it being a horrible revelation as to how the conditions in my small,mostly peaceful state has been changing,it was a shock to me because I knew the guy in question...


I remember him as a good friend,a fun loving guy bound to get carried away sometimes..Someone who liked fast cars and the fast pace of life..One who liked to talk a lot ..about random things... A committment phobic if I ever saw one...A slightly stubborn guy who couldn't be railroaded into anything...Someone you could approach for anything in the world,may it be help, or advice or just someone to talk to...Someone who didn't care whatever the hell anyone thought about him as far as he was doing something he liked...Who was as caring as he was frank n decisive...Who used to get a bit aggressive when angry...Noone who ever got the sharp side of his tongue will ever forget him.....That was Paulettan, the eternal bachelor, young,charismatic,smart,handsome,wealthy..and above all a very loving friend. He had everything to live for...When something like this happens to someone like Paulettan,you can't help but wonder about the momentous nature of life...


You surely miss people when they die..But you feel something much worse when you know how tragic it was..After all the news reports n stuff, I keep involuntarily picturising whatever might've happened that night. I keep thinking what must he have done ever..to have endured so painful a death....


There..I can't write anymore.. I just hope they catch whoever it is that killed him n make them pay for it...


I do miss you Pauletta..n may ur soul rest in peace... :((

Its raining again. Well,what else to expect during monsoons!! Nothing much has been happening in my life lately except these rains. I’d gone to Pune last week to complete the visa works for September (yes,am leaving on September 19^th most probably). This thing takes about 10-15 days,so there is nothing much I need to do except wait..sigh!!!

I’m quite bored at home,well,that’s nothing new lol J. You get bored with Tv and PC after a while. My favourite pastime,reading also has lost its charm L.,dunno why. I am into light reading these days (meaning junk reading,Danielle steel,jeff archr,john grisham etc etc),but I didn’t think I would stoop to Jackie Collins !! Well,I have..to while away this never ending supply of time I find on my hands ; and the result??? I’m disgusted with myself for reading that piece of trash. I dunno why,but I absolutely Collins’ works(I’ve read only 2 till date and I’ve hated them both ).

Now I am sorta revisiting childhood you know,by re-reading Enid Blyton J. I am downloading all the famous five and five find outers and secret seven and three investigators books which I have and haven’t read and reading them all over again J. I have also downloaded Digital Fortress by Dan Brown (which I had in paperback and which my stupid roommate misplaced),Pride and Prejudice and Mansfield Park by Jane Austen(Well,the Complete Works of Jane Austen is in a quite dilapidated state,thanks to me reading P&P again and again lol..),The Chronicles of Narnia (coz I saw the 2 movies and wanted to read the books)and Little Men by Louisa Alcott(I loved Little Women,so just wanted to sorta follow up you know).

Well,I have no idea why I am posting this,its just a boring account of how I try to keep a check on my boredom..lol..I just feel like writing something!!!!

I know what you are,

What you do,what you think;

I always did.

I've seen the recklessness

That lines your demeanor;

I've seen the fear

Beyond your bravado.

I've seen your faults,

Your flaws,your mistakes

And your thousand misgivings

Which could fill several books.

I see all that others don't see in you,

And I see that I'm in love with you.

For what is it,that makes me yearn

For your presence

When we are apart??

For what is it,that makes me blush

At the mention of your name??

For what is it,that

Steals my sleep in the night,

And fills the meager sleep I get

With your dreams??

What is it..what could it be..but love??

I love the goodness of your heart

Which makes you listen to my meaningless tattle

I love the innocence of your smile

When you dimple at some reminiscense.

I love the way you frown

When you come across somethiing foreign,

I love the way you care

When I say I'm feeling blue.

I love you,whole and simple you;

You who never does think like me,

You who never would want the same things as me,

You who has never made me cry,

You who would never ever love me back.....

There's no reason,no timespan

No condition...

To my love,

Its all yours and just yours

whenever you wanna claim it.

On a rainy day

It has been raining quite heavily for the past 2 days. After the blazing summer heat,I guess the rain is more than welcome.The downside is, am down with fever and so cannot enjoy the rain to the fullest(Well,it was too much enjoyment of the rain which led to the fever incidentally..lol). I can just see a small strip of the sky not obscured by trees from the window am allowed to open in my rme(mom's orders hmm).So my view of the rain is limited.

The feeling I've always associated with rain is loneliness. It is not the actual "alone" loneliness but "being at peace with yourself" loneliness. I LOVE being alone,I revel in it.I am not scared or anything to be alone anywhere. Well,that sorts of sounds like am an eternal recluse or something lol. Well,am not yet,but the idea sure is intriguing.Not for long..but little stints like that,maybe in a mountaintop shack (where it snows) or a summer cottage on the beach and all sounds kinda nice :).

Actually I have a plan to buy a house (or houses) somewhere of the sort to go n stay when I get bugged of my normal life,go incommunicado et al. Sounds like fun,for a short time though :). And I wanna go travelling all over the place,you know,start with Kerala,then the whole of India, n then ofcourse,the WORLD..I'll prefer for it not to be as a tour party or anything,I'll be the organiser and the traveller,with maybe 2-3 friends. New places,new ppl etc etc.

Well,I guess that's all. Am in a great great mood today. I am so happy (inspite of the fever),I feel like smiling all the time,I feel as if there is a glow in my heart etc tc for no reason whatsoever. So,am just gonna float some more,watch the rain,read,fall asleep....


P.S- Btw,this is my first post with a heading after a long long time... lol :)

Hey hey hey..... Thats my 100th profile view. Thank u all, who find my meaningless tattle entertaining,or atleast, took some time to go through it,thank u ..

I haven't been writing for sometime.That is because I don't have anything to write about. I just hang around the house and do little else; no reading,no tv,no music..nothing at all. I am in a state of eternal boredom and laziness :). I hope I snap out of this soon..

So long.....

Well, getting settled back at home can be quite an ordeal. I dunno everytime I come home its as if I'd been away for too long and I can't wait to stay at home all day and laze around. But after two days, boredom becomes my constant companion. Oh, by the way my 2 days aren't yet over,coz I had spent the best part of the last 2 days in bed. I seem to have gotten sunstroke or something,you know, the whole swollen face,red eyes, tiredness sort of thing. Its getting better now,though, just a remnant of the red eyes remain.:-)

I saw this movie today, the adaptation of Jane Austen's Mansfield Park. I have only skimmed through that one so far, because of 2 reasons:(1) I'm apprehensive of classics a bit and (2)I can't seem to get past Pride and Prejudice. I hated it at the first read,but then I fell in love with it.weird,isn't it?? Ya,well,anyway, I think this is better. I have this belief that you should see the move adaptation first and then read the book. Else you are bound to be disappointed if the movie doesn't do justice to the book (as I was when I watched the movie Gone With The Wind).So now I can read the novel without any qualms hhmmm:-). Well,anyway seeing the movie strengthens my perception that Jane Austen tended to make all her heroines feminists,which would've been quite interesting in the 19th century England, when and where this was quite uncommon.


I dunno,lately I've been having this urge to travel,as in ,really travel, see new places and all that. But when I think of even venturing out in this goddamn heat,I'm all for dropping even such a thought.The heat is unbearable. All the more disgusting is the constant sticky,sweaty feeling.uughh!!!

I'm waiting for the delivery of my 3 years' worth of garbage couriered from Pune. They had said that they'll drop sms as and when my shipment reaches everyplace, which they so obviously didn't do, and when I tracked it online,the status says 'undelivered because the residence was closed'.What rubbish!! I was here the whole day yesterday and noone so much as rang the doorbell(which would've been quite difficult considering that the gate was locked). But in that case they should've atleast called me right? My contact number was listed prominently on their copy of the bill hhmmm. That was quite irresponsible of them .So anyway I called them and complained and I was told that my stuff would be delivered this afternoon.I hope it really is, this time!!!

So... finally, I'm homeee.....

My final exams are over and I'm home for a long long time...My Msc classes will be starting on September 23rd (Msc Astrophysics,Queen Mary,University of London..Thank u very much..). So till then I get to stay at home. I reached today morning incidentally.

So am having a long long vacation. I've got a lot of plans for them. You know, like gardening n reading n learning german,learning the piano etc etc etc.... I dunno if any of them is gonna work out. I've been here a day and I'm already half-crazed with heat. Its so damn hot. The maid had switched off the fan for a moment to sweep the floor and I was sweating all over the place.

The journey home was as usual boring. I hate train journeys as a rule. (I get the rush when I'm about to reach some place,Pune or home). And to top it off, mom was sick with the stomach flu. She had come to help me pack and all, coz I had 3 years worth of litter around.

So all said and done, am hme for the moment..

I wish I could love you enough,

To let you go,

I wish I could love you enough

To be happy,when you are.

But what to do,

Its this heart which doesn't listen

Its this heart which just

Cannot go on beating

Without your love,

Its this heart which makes me

Hunt up ridiculous excuses

Just to hear your voice

Just to see that smile.

I try, and try and try

To curb its spirit

To stop myself doing things

Which would hurt a lot more,later,

Things, like loving you.

Needless to say,I never win,

I never win that particular battle,

To make my heart stop loving you,

For you are what you are;

Beyond description.

I've heard that

There's nothing like love

That heals all ills

But now I know that

There's nothing like love

That hurts you bad.

Time doesn't heal this pain,

It just gets worse and worse

Till you wish,

You could just bleed and die of it.

My world is not colorful...

Its just got black and white,

And bleak gray stripes...

For colors reflect happiness

And I'm definitely not happy.

Happiness can't be found in loneliness,

For I'm lonely;

I wish I were a shadow,

For then, I'd have someone to follow.

Flowers don't bloom for me anymore,

Birds don't chirp their heads away,

Rain is no more romantic

And dawn is more like a burden.

This is not a life I cherish,

Not one I'd want for anyone;

Never for a dear friend,

Not even for my worst foe.

1) I had a fabulous time this weekend. my old old friend whom I haven't set eyes on for about 6 1/2 years (by his reckoning) came on a fleeting visit. It was really nice. Actually I'm still in its hangover.

2) I do miss having a boyfriend. Not the committment part and sweet talks (urgh! Thank God am over all that), but the ease of having someone to listen to you all the time. You don't have to think twice about calling up, worry about what he'll think about you if you call at some godforsaken time, don't have to choose words when you are feeling blue. its like having an 'honorary' girlfriend.

3) I am essentially a nocturnal creature. Nights are my specialty. The problem with this is that,when I'm in my peak moods, everyone else is asleep. I'll be dying to talk to someone and I'll call up my best friend A. But she is dead to the world as soon as the clock strikes 10. (Btw, I love her so much, she is the single person in the world who knows every single thng in my life. I can say any damn thing to her without fear that she'll judge me by them, no matter however outrageous or absurd my thoughts are. She is really priceless).

4) I was just browsing through my phone's gallery. I came upon my cousin's kid's pic. She is veryyyy cute and an original piece. The kind of tantrums that kid throws!! Anyway, this was a really sweet pic with a toothy smile. i was line " Crap, man!! Why the hell did I grow up??" This is something my friend and I ask each other every single day. Lfe was much simpler when we were kids. Not to worry about anything beyond homework, no crappy boyfriends,no 'staying alone' woes( like laundry and cooking and what not), no project deadlines, nothing. (Now aren't I sounding like an 80 year old Grandma? Nice). When parents say something so 'parentish', we can't roll your eyes and say," Why are grownups like this?" coz we are the grownups now. I don't mind that quite so much though. Like all younger kids in family, I always wanted to grow up fast. But it would definitely have been simpler to be young, fr then everyone tells you what to do. You don't have to burn your head thinking and deciding and all that crap. Yes, life is so much simpler when one is a kid.

How could I not love you??
For you were, and you are, divine;
One of a kind,forever good,
The kind who gives one
A reason to live.

I might forget to breathe,
Forget to eat and drink
Forget to talk and listen
But never ever would forget how to love you!!

You aren't mine;
You never were, and ofcourse
You never will be,
But I don't mind.

Even if you don't love me,
See or hear me,
It is enough for me
That you exist; for me to love,
For I can't exist without loving you.

They say that the love which is pure
Real and great
Does come back
To the one who waits.

I'll wait here all eternity,
If that were the case,
If not, too bad,but
I'd still be waiting anyway.

I daren't hope anymore,
For it hurts,
When hopes are broken...
I daren't think anymore
For it opens,
That hole in my chest,
Where my heart used to be.
I daren't picture your face
For fear that then
I'll never be able to rub it away.
I daren't remember your voice
For it pushes me down
That dark crevice
Which I'm crawling out of.
It pains to think of you,
It pains not to think
It pains when I'm awake
And it pains when I'm asleep.
Someday, when this pain has numbed,
I'll lock you away
In the chest of memories..
Forever and forever...
SOMEDAY...

My heart still beats on and on
With a sickening thud...
I'm willing it to stop,
It just doesnt listen to me.

I stay on here,
Like an abandoned house,
Like an orphan satellite
Whose planet has been blown away.

I'm alive,but barely
I'm breathing, but sorely
There's no more a reason to live ,
There's no light at the end of this tunnel.

Unrequited love is a bruise on heart,
It carves a hole in the centre
And keeps on hurting and hurting
Till you wish you could claw it out.

Laden with your memories,
I stand here, in the cold wind,
Holding myself together,
Lest I should fall apart.

Oh for God' s sake. For two days, I haven't been able to get anything halfway sensible on TV or newspaper. Its the regular "nautangi" about whether Valentine's day is part of our culture or not,debates and what not. Till now it was the 'shiv sainiks' causing all the trouble, this year 'ram sainiks' have joined the party.(I'm quite sure both Shiv and Ram will be burning with shame at their antics). I honestly feel like telling these ppl "Grow up, for fuck's sake".

I mean, who cares a pin about whether these things are part of our culture or not?? Its just a DAY. If you r saying it is western influence, then so are Mother's day, Friendship day... They don't seem to be having a problem with those!!!!

Then there is this airhead Muthalik guy who wants a law to be passed preventing females from drinking!! I'm like, dude, what the hell's ur problem?? If people wanna drink it is their choice, right??We are a democratic country and all that. Why should you butt in? I read an article today (I guess in the times) about Shiv getting Parvati drunk or something. So the point is, you can't say that the practice of females drinking is not part of our culture. Cumon ya, if Goddeses can drink, then why can't today's "liberated" women??

And ofcourse, the talk of the fortnight,the 'pink chaddi' campaign. It is not the most elegant idea people have come up with so far, but it is hilarious and ridiculous in a certain way(and probably effective.But we'll have to wait till next year to be sure of the results). But it is a brave attempt. Kudos to the consortium of pub-going,loose and forward women:-)...


Just an issue I think I should mention: These Sri Ram Sene ppl are dubbing the clubbing and boozing women immoral,promiscuous and all such things. What exactly do they think their culture is, though?? The Ram sainiks stormed a pub in M'lore and 40 of them, tried to molest 5 defenseless girls and tried to take off their clothes. What does that say about their culture??
And again, I would have no issue abiding with their so called rule set, if all these Ram sainiks and Shiv sainiks and all these ppl who pose as moral police,have never whistled at a girl in street,never made suggestive gestures at them ,never tried to touch them in crowded(or empty for that matter) buses or trains,never as much as winked at them.Only in that case do they have the authority to criticise anybody else's culture. I doubt if there would be even one single person like that for most of them are good for nothing ppl doing all this coz they don't have anything better to do. Freedom of expression is an Indian's fundamental right,and as far as I'm aware, expressing love is not a crime as of now. As far as obscenity is concerned(and purr-lease,holding hands is not obscene),there are sections in the constitution(sec 153 if I'm correct) dealing with them and the police force to deal with them.I really don't think there is a need or a void for moral police in our society.The bottomline is, culture is just a facade, what these ppl are trying to impose is hooliganisam,brute power. On that note... au revoir!!

P.S: Joke of the fortnight was when in a times now debate Sadhvi Uma Bharti said that "Pramod(as she called the detestable Muthalik)" wants to prevent women from drinking coz it is supposed to be bad for their health and that they should do it against men as well. My dear Umaji, are u actually so innocent to think that those who smoke and drink don't know that these affect their health adversely??Wow!!

Disjoint things I feel like writing anyway...:

(1) I saw slumdog millionaire. Nice movie, definitely worth a watch. I couldn't find the greatness quotient in it though. the guy is quite 'awkwardly' cute. But frrankly, I didn't get the fuss about its music. It is good, but not great. Rahman has composed better..lol.

(2) I've been reading books like a dervish, lot of paperbacks and a serious one I didn't like. Here's the verdict:

Bourne Ultimatum,Robert Ludlum-thrilling

The Prize,Julie Garwood- good

I find some similarity between Lady Nikolaa and Scarlett O'Hara. Well,she's a bit of Lady Lara Croft too:-)

Dance Upon The Air,Nora Roberts-Sweet

Sisters,Danielle Steel-Sweet

The Afghan,Frederick Forsyth-reading in progress. It is interesting at first, but then becomes weary.

Chronicle of a Death Foretold,Gabriel Garcia Marquez-boring. Maybe its his worst book,I dunw. I didn't like it neway.

You Are Here,Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan-trash. The writing style is careless to the point of being incoherent. But I could connect to some of the things.

To be the Best,Barbara Taylor Bradford- Wonderful.I'll have all that one day too.

Twilight,Stephenie Meyer- Fantabulous:-)

New Moon,Stephenie Meyer- fitting sequel to twilight. Now I cant wait to read the other 2 in the series, eclipse and breaking down.

(3) I spent half of a night trying to pacify a friend who had downed a can of beer. He was laughing like crazy and making absolutely no sense. Finally I slept when the sky began to lighten and woke up a few hours later,feeling hungover. I attributed it to the general weirdness of my life lately.

(4) Who says girls are enigmatic?? I haven't yet been able to figure out what makes guys tick. Sometimes they are all nice and lovey and the next time you look,they'll be like snow princes. Also there is the other variety who are so incessantly sweet that it makes you sick. It could also be the fact that I'm a magnet for weirdos and the general insane.So I have decided to take a break from intergender socialization unless I find someone fun and Interesting forever.

Ya,Well,that's it.

I love staying alone.

You know,the whole having my own space sort of thing. But sometimes I feel so lonely, especially when my roommates are away. Howmuchever I try to shrug it off, it is nevertheless true that nw and then, even I need human companionship:-).That is quite a revelation, you know.

I feel all bottled up and generally suffocated. I had this 'disease' in 1st year and I'd more or less gotten rid of it last year. But apparently it has come back to haunt me now. Normally I go for long walks then, to vent away all the frustrated energy and clear my head. When even that doesn't work and I so badly have to talk to someone and my favourite choices are unavailable, I dust up the phone nos of some friends with whom I share a kinda good rapport and give them a missed call or message. More often than not,noone cares to reply.Then i get quite pissed off and am like 'OK,No one wants to listen when I wanna talk. So I'm done with being everyone's agony aunt.' Then I sort of 'blacklist' that person and stop talking till he or she contacts me first. I try twice ir thrice before this blacklisting and end up hating myself for caring. You know what, most of my friends consider me sort of a counselor-cum-loveguru-cum-agony aunt;a shoulder to cry on,pat their backs and boost their morale,that sorta thing. And a other times they are like "huh,d I know u?" This is what pisses me off like hell. And I just don't understand why do I care. So now I've taken to actually deleting the numbers of such people from both handsets I own(and ofcourse I don't have a backup address book). This does allow me to avoid a dent on my self respect.

Howzzaattt!!!

Okayy... So I have kept one of my new year resolutions;I have broken up with my boyfriend.

Well,it wasn't so painless,but it was quite fast. And he took it much better than I had expected.
I don't quite remember how it all came about. One minute we were talking quite casually about things,and the next,we were shouting at each other to get our respective points across. And then,we reached this particular point from where there is no return possible,the point where you have said something so very hurtful that nothing can alleviate the pain. Then,that was it. We just wanted to be as away as possible from each other(This was all over the phone,ofcourse).Gone was my wish to be "just friends" with him(he was startlingly clear about that).

Well,so,that's it. I am single again. But what I'm not getting is;I was the one who was detached,I was the one who wanted to break up,I was the bitch.Why,then, am I feeling like my heart has been ripped off? Why do I feel like I owe myself an explanation? And above all, why do I feel so goddamn guilty???


P.S:I'm not sulking at home in my pyjamas.

I haven't figured it yet....
Do I love you,or I don't,
Perhaps I'm at fault,
Am not worth loving anyway.

You were there when I was blue,
You turned my way,when my eyes welled,
To stem the flow,to pat my back
To make me feel loved and cared for.

One day,the colour of your care
Changed forever and ever.
I saw it,I liked it,
I wanted to know it;
I wanted to know you.

Days passed,months and years,
Still I'm at that first square,
Waiting to figure you out,
Waiting to figure out who you are to me.

I don't understand the colour of your care,
Its ends and beginnings,
I don't understand the smile on your face,
the glitter of your eyes,when they look into mine,
I don't understand the ends you will go to
To keep me sound;
Perhaps I'm at fault....
Maybe,I'm not worth loving anyway.....

So....

Am back to Pune..and miserable.

My mom and grandpa were here for a couple of days. They left the day before yesterday and am alone in my flat (My roomie has gone home and landlady left for someone's wedding last month,and is not yet back). I don't mind being alone,in fact I like that. I can do whatever I wanna do and sleep at whatever time I want to,can read for how muchever time I want to.

Btw,am reading this amazing book called 'Twilight' now,by Stephanie Meyer. Its about a vampire falling in love with a girl. It is so wonderfully romantic. Now am waiting to get my hands on its sequel,called 'new moon'. If anyone knows where to get it in pune,plz let me know.

One gross,but interesting thing happened during my train journey to Pune. I was sleeping on the middle berth of the sleeper class k. This guy who was sleeping above me actually groped me,Can you imagine?? I was half asleep. I woke with a start to find this guy's hand fumbling with my blanket. I moved a bit more inside the berth and went to sleep. N then I found his hand hovering so close to me again and I slapped it away. By this time I was fully awake. I was waiting for him to do something else so I could scratch him with my crab(the thing with teeth which girls tie ther hair with. It could be used as an assault weapon in the absence of safety pin or pen). However,he didn't lower his hand again,but he did peer down to see if I was awake,probably to continue his programme if I weren't. Then comes my dialogue(I'm quite proud of it,u knw):"agar tumhara hath phir se neeche aa jatha hai,to tum gaye kaam se". Hearing this,my mom n granddad woke up and my granddad swapped places with me and I went to sleep peacefully. Interesting,but quite shocking ,u knw,and a bit scary. I thought north indians were especially respectful to women(that's what i've felt so far).They say,that my place,Kerala is the least safe for women after dark. But I've never felt that. Ive travelled alone till 9 pm(which is considerd quite lateat my place) many times and have never had a bad experience.

Well,so that was my vacation adventure..

Well,bad news.very very bad news:-(((((.

My 2 week vacation is over. Its back to studies from 2mrw.(Well,technically frm Monday since I board my train to Pune 2mrw n it rchs der on Sunday evening). I feel terrible. Its always sad to leave home,I am a very 'homely' sorta person(as in I absolutely love staying at home all day,whether it be alone or not).

Mostly I am alone at home. Both my parents are working,so is my grandfather. I am the baby of the family who hasn't yet grown wings. My grandmother was my mainstay but she passed away 5 years ago. So whenever I come home I'm alone here. Hey,I'm not complaining. As long as I'm at home,it doesn't matter if I have company or not. I can read,write,dream,sleep,watch tv,surf the net,play computer games,blog,chat,watch movies,listen to music........that's a never ending list. I do like going out with friends and all,but given a choice,I'll just stay at home all the time,everyday.

So,I guess now u cn undrstand why am all blue. Its not just my family,but the idea of home,the familiar surroundings in which I grew up,that I miss. And ofcourse,my hometown.God,I love this place,with all its chaos,bad roads,reckless bus drivers,horrible crowd...everything n everything. I just don't wanna go away. But I really don't have a choice.I HAVE to go.

Actually I don't have anyone other than myself to blame for my predicament. It was my decision to go to Pune,no one railroaded me into it.So,if am down,its my fault( Well,that doesn't make me feel better even a tiny bit,though).

So,anyway, I have to go. And I'm going. Tomorrow.....

Hiii... welcome to my very first post of the new year. This one is special for anudr reason...It's my birthdayyy.....

So,finally,finally,finally..I am 20 years old:-).

I have no idea why,but I've always wanted to be 20 years old. I have waited for my 20th b'day like ppl wait for their 18th.Their reasoning is that you get officially licensed for every other 'thing'(you know what I mean) once you are 18. Well, I wanted to be 18 to take a driver's license and to vote. I have accomplished the first and forgotten the second:-). But being 20 has been like,well,I dunw,I just lak that number,maybe,or the idea of being 20 years old.Well,so,finally,I am....

The new year has started off quite well. I roamed about with my ,ate a lot of things,watched a movie and came home totally pooped,only to have my mom coax me into going to the temple to pay for some rituals she wanted to be performed on my b'day.Well,so I did. Then I got up early today(at 8,it is early for me),took bath and went to the temple like a good girl:-). Everything else I did my way,after all its my b'day and I am the queen today;-).

I like b'days generally,they are the days when I can officially do whatever the hell I want to do(unofficially I do that everyday). The only downside is my mom's rule of no non-veg food on b'days. I can't survive on carrot sticks:-((.

My cake will come in the evening.I wanna cut it at exactly the time when I was born;8:40 pm. Its vanilla topped with chocolate crumbs with my name on top!!

I have taken a b'day resolution( I may or maynot keep it). It is to start keeping a diary. It is probably an after effect of watching Ghajini:-)[Excellent movie,btw,a definite improvement on rnbdj.Oops,y do they have such long names!!].I lak to write but everyday might be more than I can handle.

So,I've made it..I am 20 years old....and am happyyy...