Okayy... So I have kept one of my new year resolutions;I have broken up with my boyfriend.

Well,it wasn't so painless,but it was quite fast. And he took it much better than I had expected.
I don't quite remember how it all came about. One minute we were talking quite casually about things,and the next,we were shouting at each other to get our respective points across. And then,we reached this particular point from where there is no return possible,the point where you have said something so very hurtful that nothing can alleviate the pain. Then,that was it. We just wanted to be as away as possible from each other(This was all over the phone,ofcourse).Gone was my wish to be "just friends" with him(he was startlingly clear about that).

Well,so,that's it. I am single again. But what I'm not getting is;I was the one who was detached,I was the one who wanted to break up,I was the bitch.Why,then, am I feeling like my heart has been ripped off? Why do I feel like I owe myself an explanation? And above all, why do I feel so goddamn guilty???


P.S:I'm not sulking at home in my pyjamas.

I haven't figured it yet....
Do I love you,or I don't,
Perhaps I'm at fault,
Am not worth loving anyway.

You were there when I was blue,
You turned my way,when my eyes welled,
To stem the flow,to pat my back
To make me feel loved and cared for.

One day,the colour of your care
Changed forever and ever.
I saw it,I liked it,
I wanted to know it;
I wanted to know you.

Days passed,months and years,
Still I'm at that first square,
Waiting to figure you out,
Waiting to figure out who you are to me.

I don't understand the colour of your care,
Its ends and beginnings,
I don't understand the smile on your face,
the glitter of your eyes,when they look into mine,
I don't understand the ends you will go to
To keep me sound;
Perhaps I'm at fault....
Maybe,I'm not worth loving anyway.....

So....

Am back to Pune..and miserable.

My mom and grandpa were here for a couple of days. They left the day before yesterday and am alone in my flat (My roomie has gone home and landlady left for someone's wedding last month,and is not yet back). I don't mind being alone,in fact I like that. I can do whatever I wanna do and sleep at whatever time I want to,can read for how muchever time I want to.

Btw,am reading this amazing book called 'Twilight' now,by Stephanie Meyer. Its about a vampire falling in love with a girl. It is so wonderfully romantic. Now am waiting to get my hands on its sequel,called 'new moon'. If anyone knows where to get it in pune,plz let me know.

One gross,but interesting thing happened during my train journey to Pune. I was sleeping on the middle berth of the sleeper class k. This guy who was sleeping above me actually groped me,Can you imagine?? I was half asleep. I woke with a start to find this guy's hand fumbling with my blanket. I moved a bit more inside the berth and went to sleep. N then I found his hand hovering so close to me again and I slapped it away. By this time I was fully awake. I was waiting for him to do something else so I could scratch him with my crab(the thing with teeth which girls tie ther hair with. It could be used as an assault weapon in the absence of safety pin or pen). However,he didn't lower his hand again,but he did peer down to see if I was awake,probably to continue his programme if I weren't. Then comes my dialogue(I'm quite proud of it,u knw):"agar tumhara hath phir se neeche aa jatha hai,to tum gaye kaam se". Hearing this,my mom n granddad woke up and my granddad swapped places with me and I went to sleep peacefully. Interesting,but quite shocking ,u knw,and a bit scary. I thought north indians were especially respectful to women(that's what i've felt so far).They say,that my place,Kerala is the least safe for women after dark. But I've never felt that. Ive travelled alone till 9 pm(which is considerd quite lateat my place) many times and have never had a bad experience.

Well,so that was my vacation adventure..

Well,bad news.very very bad news:-(((((.

My 2 week vacation is over. Its back to studies from 2mrw.(Well,technically frm Monday since I board my train to Pune 2mrw n it rchs der on Sunday evening). I feel terrible. Its always sad to leave home,I am a very 'homely' sorta person(as in I absolutely love staying at home all day,whether it be alone or not).

Mostly I am alone at home. Both my parents are working,so is my grandfather. I am the baby of the family who hasn't yet grown wings. My grandmother was my mainstay but she passed away 5 years ago. So whenever I come home I'm alone here. Hey,I'm not complaining. As long as I'm at home,it doesn't matter if I have company or not. I can read,write,dream,sleep,watch tv,surf the net,play computer games,blog,chat,watch movies,listen to music........that's a never ending list. I do like going out with friends and all,but given a choice,I'll just stay at home all the time,everyday.

So,I guess now u cn undrstand why am all blue. Its not just my family,but the idea of home,the familiar surroundings in which I grew up,that I miss. And ofcourse,my hometown.God,I love this place,with all its chaos,bad roads,reckless bus drivers,horrible crowd...everything n everything. I just don't wanna go away. But I really don't have a choice.I HAVE to go.

Actually I don't have anyone other than myself to blame for my predicament. It was my decision to go to Pune,no one railroaded me into it.So,if am down,its my fault( Well,that doesn't make me feel better even a tiny bit,though).

So,anyway, I have to go. And I'm going. Tomorrow.....

Hiii... welcome to my very first post of the new year. This one is special for anudr reason...It's my birthdayyy.....

So,finally,finally,finally..I am 20 years old:-).

I have no idea why,but I've always wanted to be 20 years old. I have waited for my 20th b'day like ppl wait for their 18th.Their reasoning is that you get officially licensed for every other 'thing'(you know what I mean) once you are 18. Well, I wanted to be 18 to take a driver's license and to vote. I have accomplished the first and forgotten the second:-). But being 20 has been like,well,I dunw,I just lak that number,maybe,or the idea of being 20 years old.Well,so,finally,I am....

The new year has started off quite well. I roamed about with my ,ate a lot of things,watched a movie and came home totally pooped,only to have my mom coax me into going to the temple to pay for some rituals she wanted to be performed on my b'day.Well,so I did. Then I got up early today(at 8,it is early for me),took bath and went to the temple like a good girl:-). Everything else I did my way,after all its my b'day and I am the queen today;-).

I like b'days generally,they are the days when I can officially do whatever the hell I want to do(unofficially I do that everyday). The only downside is my mom's rule of no non-veg food on b'days. I can't survive on carrot sticks:-((.

My cake will come in the evening.I wanna cut it at exactly the time when I was born;8:40 pm. Its vanilla topped with chocolate crumbs with my name on top!!

I have taken a b'day resolution( I may or maynot keep it). It is to start keeping a diary. It is probably an after effect of watching Ghajini:-)[Excellent movie,btw,a definite improvement on rnbdj.Oops,y do they have such long names!!].I lak to write but everyday might be more than I can handle.

So,I've made it..I am 20 years old....and am happyyy...